Am I just an attention-seeker? My sister recently told me to stop seeking attention by crying at every small thing. Am I actually seeking attention without realising it? It seems in line with my personality, to do something unconsciously, and to want attention. See, my entire life is a war between my need for notice/admiration and my fear of being judged for seeking it.

I want people around me, and I want them to be people who care about me. Is there anything wrong with that? Don't I only seek it because I feel uncared-for in the first place? My mother doesn't care for anyone, in the most conventional sense of the word--she'd secure our safety but she shows no affection at all. My relationships with my siblings are formal and based on obligation. My father, he probably cares for me, and I've made the mistake of constantly turning it down and now he's sick and I'm afraid of what might happen, I'm afraid everyday.

I'm tired, my school is robbing me of all my strength and I'm not even enjoying it the way I hoped I would when I chose it. I hate it, every living day. It's just one shitty day after another with no true sense of reward--I'm learning, but for what? I'm learning so slowly and my classmates are all better than me by worlds, maybe because they've had 6 years more of art education than I, but I feel like every minute I'm there I'm being told to abandon all efforts because I'll never be as good as they.

And there is nothing to make up for this torture--I feel so inferior, so inadequate, when my friends are all studying reputable courses at prestigious universities overseas because they are GOOD ENOUGH and I'm not. I'm just an idiot who thought she was as good in art as they were in their sciences and it turns out I'm not. No I was never good at art. I wish they'd never told me I was, because I chose wrong because of them, and now I'm suffering for it. I'm not even good enough in the one thing I thought I was good at. How the hell do I even match up to them? I thought, since my school results were similar to theirs, that we were equally intelligent--but maybe THEY have lived in this culture of excellence, imposed by their families?, who knows, and I never have, and as a result I'm just hopelessly weak and lazy, I'm unwilling to work as hard as they to be as good.

Maybe that's weakened me, and maybe that's the reason I just can't work hard now, even in the course I've chosen. I'm just not built to be good at anything. I'm good at things when I have a passion for them, I think. I think. Please take this with a pinch of salt. And this damn school has just robbed me of all that passion. It's made me hate everything about creative work, and it's made me unable to even think of my own work, the stuff I'd do of my own volition, without feeling overwhelmingly guilty for it.

Who knows. Maybe they do think I'm an idiot. Maybe they're mocking me in their minds, wondering how I could even imagine being as good as they.

I don't know. Why do they seem to care so little? Does anyone care at all? No one has any obligation to care, that's true. I am just another human. What's care, even? I think I am incapable of caring for anyone in full sincerity. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I"m the cause of all the problems I'm having, maybe it's that I hate everyone and make it a point to be envious of everything they have.

Why am I so obsessed with being the best at everything? Please cure me. I don't want to be jealous of every single person I know. I don't want to live like this, it's unsustainable.