Goddammit why do feelings have to be so messy. I have a crush on a classmate, and I think she knows. She invited me to lunch today and I accepted the invitation. I could be overreading, but maybe I am not. I also made a massive fool of myself in front of her. but that is beside the point. Point is, why does this have to keep happening?


I can't believe I posted the previous post. But I must have written it in one of my more disgruntled moods, and it is an honest post, so I will leave it.


I find it hard to support any cause or cult  that gains followers by belittling those that do not hold the same stance. I find it hard to support any cause that attempts to gain followers by exploiting their fears. Something that does not intend to leave me a choice. Something that had to be drilled into me from youth, something that I began to question once my beliefs were no longer being force-fed to me.


For the last time. I just don't believe in God and I am unable to. I just can't. I am unable to believe in something I have absolutely no evidence of the existence of. Isn't that normal?


Won't lie. Sometimes I'm really happy about it, but sometimes being in a relationship annoys me to no end. Because I feel so...bound. He seems to think it his right to budge in on any and every conversation I have online in public. I no longer get to talk to others without him trying to join in. He needs to be involved in everything I do. I feel like this happens a lot more often with male friends, could just be me. But honestly, I don't have private conversations with anyone, I don't feel comfortable with it, I hold all discussions in public and unfortunately this means this leaves them open to interruptions.

That's not all, it's as if he needs to keep talking to me even when I make it relatively clear I'm not interested to talk. I don't hate him but sometimes talking too much to one person over many years just makes you...sick of it, you know? It could happen with anyone. With my female friends, talking was always a reward, I have few chances to talk, and I rarely seek them out for conversation unless something pertinent demands it. They do the same. This is different. I feel obliged to talk even when I don't feel like it, which is majority of the time. I have felt harassed by less familiar people before. This response is not limited to people I don't know well.

I don't like this. It really bothers me. I feel like I'm being held on a leash. More than anything this has made me regret the relationship, but I know I'm never leaving it so I've resigned myself to just ignoring it when it happens.


I hate my sister so much. I abhor everything about her. I know this is my fault. That I cannot accept a person like her. But I can't survive this, hating a person so much that I think of killing her daily. One day I will snap. I don't want it to happen.


After more than a year living with her, I have come to the conclusion that our current maid is kind of dirty, which results from laxness with chores.

I don't have clear evidence of the fact--maybe the fact that the tables are still oily after she has "cleaned" them, but that's the only clear evidence I have. But well...I began to notice this strange taste late last year, a taste that I began to taste frequently after drinking water from my cup. My cup had just been chipped so I assumed it was the taste of ceramic fragments. But then I began to wake up with that taste in my mouth, and that's when I knew it was bacterial.

It became worse; I tasted it more and more often, and then I began to taste it on my utensils as well. I continued to wake up with it on my breath. The connection dawned on me when I united the two observations: first of the taste, and second of the fact that she is a lazy housekeeper. Recently I've been growing increasingly paranoid about the sort of bacteria that are being allowed to multiply in our environment, but it's such a strange observation I doubt I can get anyone to take me seriously..

Why am I bringing this up now? Because I just drank a cup of tea, and it tasted like a cup of pure, concentrated Taste. And I found a strand of hair stuck to the side that probably belonged to her, because she was the one who made the tea. This worries me immensely.


Sigh. There's technically no detriment to praying even if I don't believe in God. And yet it makes me so angry that I'm being put through these routines against my will. I'm angry that I'm being bullied into it, that my father pushes harder when I refuse, that he is guilt tripping me for not wanting to pray, making me feel like I'm a terrible person for it.

I'm sorry, I just don't believe in God, and all the arguments you use to convince me only fall flat because There are very clear scientific answers to questions like "who created water" and "what makes the earth turn" and "who created life" and I'm sorry that I know them and that you don't. I don't want to tell you the truth, that I know things you don't and that they answer all these questions without "God", because I know religion sustains you, I know what it means, and it's for that reason that I'm trying so hard to conform to your expectations. But I'm so angry because I want it to stop.


I hate how my grandmother looks at me when she makes a request of me, and how she voices her instruction. She intones it it like an order. She looks at me like a servant. I'm not a slave and you don't have to speak as if to intimidate me. You are not the wisest in this house nor the one most deserving of respect.


And can I do anything about it? Being weird. Liking birds. Being ugly. Not combing my hair daily. Dressing like the androgyne I am. Dressing badly. Not bothering. Being Narcissistic. Having no control over myself when I'm angry or in panic. Having anxiety-related issues. Not being able to hold myself with confidence because I'm afraid everyone hates me. Or does everyone actually hate me?

So much self-awareness, when one is a horrible person, is possibly the worst thing one can have.

my class...again

I feel like my class has been excluding me. I am, in fact, reasonably sure that this feeling of exclusion isn't imagined.

They don't reply to my messages on the Whatsapp group unless they are work-related inquiries. And when I say things in class, no one cares. Maybe I've been talking too much in class. Maybe I've been too open about how much I hate my work. Maybe there's something unappealing about that. Maybe they think I'm elitist. On top of this, I'm ugly, awkward and terrible at "being cool". And my weirdness isn't the appealing sort that media loves to represent. It's the sort that makes you feel like turning your nose up at me because it's nigh impossible to start a normal conversation with me.

Yeah, it's just too bad I haven't got the same interests as them. That I'm an atypical female with no interest in how I look, and with tastes greatly deviating from everyone else's. And maybe I'm too proud. Maybe it's because I'm not straight! Maybe I should have lain low. I should have. I wish it weren't in my nature to be outgoing right off the bat and then hunker down and never return when I realise no one likes me.

This is the first time I've felt absolutely, completely excluded. Before this I had my friends from primary school with me; this is the first time I've been surrounded by a completely new group of friends and had to recreate my social circle from scratch. And I've become absolutely inept at doing so.


People don't like me because I'm ugly and weird. I may consider myself above such prejudice but I cannot expect others to be. And given these are people who clearly value style over substance I imagine they are more judgmental in this respect than any group of friends I have known before.

I should just lay low. No degree of geniality or sociability is going to change the fact that they don't like me and can't like me because my face looks like shit and because my behaviour doesn't fit into the mould of perceived normality.


Sigh waiting this out is getting pretty tough. I just wish I could make it go away. I shouldn't care at all but I am experiencing jealousy. And jealousy is so much harder to hide. And such a horrible feeling. I don't want to dislike her over something that shouldnt even bother me.