Am I that bad a person?

Am I misinterpreting, is this a misunderstanding? I want to believe so, that some yet-undiagnosed mental condition is manifesting as this extreme paranoia. Or are all my suspicions true? Are you doing it on purpose? It just seems like too many coincidences.

maybe it's just lack of sleep.

I can't help but feel everyone's trying to make me envious. Your sharing is equivalent to yelling "Look where I am, look how wonderful it is, I'm having the time of my life, aren't you jealous?"

because god, I'm having the opposite of the time of my life. I'm stuck in the hellhole that I've made of my home. I'm not allowed to do anything I love. I'm being put through shit everyday--and shit that I am helpless but to impose upon myself, no less!--all because I chose wrong out of some sort of delusion. And I'm never happy.

I am just doing this to myself, am I not?

Or some part of my mind is doing it to the rest of my mind.

Why can't I just realise and accept that this is all self-inflicted so I can start to put an end to it?

Jealousy, exhaustion, hatred, anger, self-pity, self-hate. Academic pressure?

I'm just doing this to myself.

When was the last time I actually sat down and considered what was best for me, what would do me the most good, instead of letting them happen to me without thought?

You know what's keeping me from killing myself?

My writing. Every time I feel a desire to cease existing, I consider the fate of unfinished stories. It stops me.

I wish it weren't the only thing. I don't know when I stopped caring for all else, as far as living is concerned

I think I know how it feels--every misfortune, every moment of extreme anger or hurt takes a bite out of me, and with each I feel more worn out, more emotionally disfigured, my mind feels like a scrap, like a body that's been gnawed out by dogs. That's sort of how it feels.

I'm suddenly terrified ofdoing anything that might endanger my health in any way.

Why am I so jealous?

Am I just an attention-seeker? My sister recently told me to stop seeking attention by crying at every small thing. Am I actually seeking attention without realising it? It seems in line with my personality, to do something unconsciously, and to want attention. See, my entire life is a war between my need for notice/admiration and my fear of being judged for seeking it.

I want people around me, and I want them to be people who care about me. Is there anything wrong with that? Don't I only seek it because I feel uncared-for in the first place? My mother doesn't care for anyone, in the most conventional sense of the word--she'd secure our safety but she shows no affection at all. My relationships with my siblings are formal and based on obligation. My father, he probably cares for me, and I've made the mistake of constantly turning it down and now he's sick and I'm afraid of what might happen, I'm afraid everyday.

I'm tired, my school is robbing me of all my strength and I'm not even enjoying it the way I hoped I would when I chose it. I hate it, every living day. It's just one shitty day after another with no true sense of reward--I'm learning, but for what? I'm learning so slowly and my classmates are all better than me by worlds, maybe because they've had 6 years more of art education than I, but I feel like every minute I'm there I'm being told to abandon all efforts because I'll never be as good as they.

And there is nothing to make up for this torture--I feel so inferior, so inadequate, when my friends are all studying reputable courses at prestigious universities overseas because they are GOOD ENOUGH and I'm not. I'm just an idiot who thought she was as good in art as they were in their sciences and it turns out I'm not. No I was never good at art. I wish they'd never told me I was, because I chose wrong because of them, and now I'm suffering for it. I'm not even good enough in the one thing I thought I was good at. How the hell do I even match up to them? I thought, since my school results were similar to theirs, that we were equally intelligent--but maybe THEY have lived in this culture of excellence, imposed by their families?, who knows, and I never have, and as a result I'm just hopelessly weak and lazy, I'm unwilling to work as hard as they to be as good.

Maybe that's weakened me, and maybe that's the reason I just can't work hard now, even in the course I've chosen. I'm just not built to be good at anything. I'm good at things when I have a passion for them, I think. I think. Please take this with a pinch of salt. And this damn school has just robbed me of all that passion. It's made me hate everything about creative work, and it's made me unable to even think of my own work, the stuff I'd do of my own volition, without feeling overwhelmingly guilty for it.

Who knows. Maybe they do think I'm an idiot. Maybe they're mocking me in their minds, wondering how I could even imagine being as good as they.

I don't know. Why do they seem to care so little? Does anyone care at all? No one has any obligation to care, that's true. I am just another human. What's care, even? I think I am incapable of caring for anyone in full sincerity. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I"m the cause of all the problems I'm having, maybe it's that I hate everyone and make it a point to be envious of everything they have.

Why am I so obsessed with being the best at everything? Please cure me. I don't want to be jealous of every single person I know. I don't want to live like this, it's unsustainable.

I mean, how can I be respected? People don't think of artists as professionals. Artists are the dirt of the internet. People think nothing of joking about them. I shouldn't have done this. And yes, I'm never going to put my school and course on my Facebook profile because I'm too ashamed of them to have them there.

Honestly the only good that comes out of doing art is being able to share your ideas and stories. And honestly too, I feel like no one's interested in them at all. How am I supposed to garner interest? How am I supposed to attract an audience?

I actually gave up my opportunity to do anything more reputable for this and now, simultaneously, everyone's lost interest.

Or maybe I simply expected interest to increase but that did not happen. Maybe because I haven't made anything good in such a long time.

I'm sorry for being cryptic but I don't want anyone to know what exactly I've done.

This has happened before, envy and jealousy has ruined my friendships. I can't help it. How do I help it? I just feel like I've got the short end of the stick in every aspect. I'm always going to envy anyone who has better than I. I tend to feel entitled. I tend to need to amaze others. I feel like shit if I'm not respected or admired. And really now's not a good time in my life, and I think it's time I treated myself decently for once.

It seems my blog has become a dark hole of anger and self hate. I guess that's its purpose now, since I'm too afraid of complaints to post anything on Facebook.

Why do people always not wave back when I wave on the roadside/at the bus stop? Do they hate me so much they can't even acknowledge my existence?

See, ot's not that I am antisocial, it's that people have been encouraging me not to try socialisng by ignoring me every time. Now I'm too afraid of being ignored to even try.

I'm just beginning to realise that one of my friends' tendency to never be free for any sort of social activity has been affecting me a great deal more than I thought. Somehow I'm caught between the frustration of always being turned down by her (for meetings/lunches) and the wish to at least spend some free time with her.

I feel rejected when someone turns down one of my invitations for lunch/a show/a visit to somewhere. I mean, I can understand perfectly if it's a matter of parental dissent, but some part of my brain can't. I just get angry and frustrated. I begin to fear asking at all because there's something like a 70% chance the answer will be no.

That's happened twice in the last two days and somehow it's really getting to me.

I feel stranded. Maybe it's that all my friends are leaving and I'm trying too hard to push my uni friends away for fear that they'll become too close and I'm feeling nothing but lonely. I'm afraid that my present friends will forget me. Mortally afraid, even. With my uni friends I'll have to go through the long process of winning their trust again and I didn't have a good start.

I really just want someone to care about my writing, my stories, my characters...which is a ridiculous desire but well? That's what I live for now. I chose my current uni course because of those things. I live for it now. If people stop caring...then everything was for nothing...

She is ignoring me on purpose. I am sure now. Maybe I have been THAT terrifying, that much of a pain to talk to. I don't know. It doesn't matter. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me now. I should just leave as well.

Not good enough for myself, or for anyone. Everyone looks down on me, or at least I feel looked-down-upon. Maybe I'm inflicting it on myself. Maybe. I have bigoted acquaintances who would sneer at me if they knew the course I'm taking now.

I doubt I'd be happy doing something like life sciences or psychology, not happier than I am now anyway. I'd probably find everything bland and tedious. But I'm feeling ashamed now. Which is the worse thing to feel?

anger and insecurity

I just can't sing anymore. Even when I'm not at home. Every time I think of singing I am attacked by guilt and the fear that someone will scold me/insult my voice and I just shut up. I haven't sung more than one or two lines for a few months now. I hadn't till yesterday. And the whole time I was singing I was feeling guilty and horrible.

And here I listen to my sister singing as loud as she wants. I hate my personality. I hate that I'm so weak. I hate that I can't take the pain of insult. How do I make myself comfortable with insult? If there were a cure...

more reasons to hate my family and myself

Really. Whenever I tell my sister off for doing something (e.g. insulting cooking in front of the person who made it) she goes on and does it again just to annoy me. Why do I listen to her when she tells me to stop singing, then? I hate my personality sometimes. I hate that I can't stand up to others because I'm afraid to fight.

So apparently my mother's emotional repression is because my grandmother regularly emotionally manipulated her children and her strategy of dealing with emotional disturbance is to ignore the cause completely. I guess that's an explanation. I'm going to analyse this in greater depth later.

I'm beginning to realise that outside of one person (who's currently never free) I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about my personal issues. I feel like I'll be bothering them no matter what I do.

I'm currently at a sort of high-and-low part of my life. I feel terribly ineloquent (and I wasn't much of a wordsmith to begin with) and I find it extremely hard to express things I feel exactly. I'm happy because I'm enjoying my art. But I'm unhappy because my art is constantly being seen and judged. Add to this the sense that my old friends are ignoring me on purpose and the recent happenings with my family...I'm pretty stressed.

I can feel everything pressing on me. I feel like there's no escape this time. It's coming from everywhere. The only cure would be to start my life over far away from my family. I'm not sure when everything grew so tangled but everything's adding up. And this time is different from other times...I haven't felt happy for such a long time...and I feel angry almost everyday...

A list of things that are bothering me

1. I'm squandering a lot of money on the production of things that are just not worth what I'm charging. It was a bad idea, but I've bought the materials already and I will have to proceed. I just wish ink didn't cost so much.

2. School is killing me. I have absolutely no ideas for my 4D midterm assignment. I'm just dry. The story prompt is so uninspiring because it involves crafting plot before characters. And I'm exhausted. Tomorrow we have a full day from 8:30 am to 7 pm. I don't think I can handle that.

3. I feel like at least one of my friends has been ignoring me on purpose. Or maybe it's my fault for not starting conversation. Maybe that's because there's nothing to discuss. Maybe this friendship was meant to die.

4. Grandmother hates me. She's constantly telling me how I'm ungrateful and horrible and asking heaven to kill me. Just because I COMPLIED with her order for me to hit her. Yeah, so she said it in a fit of anger. But I did that in a fit of anger as well. She is beyond reason. I just wish I didn't have to listen to her nagging all day.

5. Still being forced to pray...I just can't keep doing this. It's boring, it's frustrating, it's futile, and I have to try to sound sincere. I wish I could just tell my father that I am absolutely and utterly convinced God doesn't exist. But it takes little to predict that he will continue to think I am "not beyond redemption" and that instead of letting up he will double his efforts to "reconvert" me. I really want to be nice to my father particularly given current circumstances. But I am so tired of this.