missing you

I like how this feels. Staying at home for four days under self-containment. Staring at my phone, waiting for the screen to light up. Falling asleep with my hand upon it.

(missing someone for no reason at all even though they're hardly unreachable)

There's something about absence. There was a proverb about it. I used to throw it about indiscriminately when I was a child, with no regard for everything it entailed.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder? How sweet; I know what it means now, through and through.

transience

Gone as fast as it came, like a meteor plunging into the night. I was so happy.

mbti fun :O

So you probably know by now: I really like making lists. I like listing things from memory, ranking things, sorting things out, noting trends, drawing graphs, compiling incidental statistics (not the scientific kinds urrrhh xP), arranging, etc.. It seems inconsistent with the rest of my personality, really...but it's one really big part of me. I like putting things in nice lists, and I love the feeling of making a good, complete, comprehensive list.

And I also like things that categorise people. Such as......MBTI profiles. Like, seriously. I'm mad about them. I've done many, many versions of the MBTI quiz, and they yield me different things at different times. But it's quite clear I hover around ENFP, with the occasional appearance of ESFP and INFP.

While there's bound to be some unjust stratification of what should be a continuum of personalities, the profiles have actually helped me recognise my actions as symptoms of certain over-expressed flaws of my brain functions.

I'm not proud that I'm "emotional". In fact I dislike that, because I believe the F people are the more easily-exploitable half of the population. And while I'm E according to quizzes, I feel I show some very markedly I traits.

Ah well, so I wondered, if I didn't go through those veiling, subjective questions and got straight to the essence of each quality, what would my MBTI profile be? So, being the bored person I am and having finished all my tutorials, I looked at lists of "criteria" for each of the four dichotomies of the MBTI. And here I bold the ones that apply to me:

Extraverts often:
• Have high energy
• Talk more than listen (I hate butting in on others; it's rude ><)
• Think out loud
• Act, then think
• Like to be around people a lot
• Prefer a public role
• Can sometimes be easily distracted
• Prefer to do lots of things at once
• Are outgoing; enthusiastic (depends on the situation!)

Introverts often:

• Have quiet energy
• Listen more than talk
• Think quietly inside their heads
• Think, then act
• Feel comfortable being alone
• Prefer to work "behind-the-scenes"
• Have good powers of concentration
• Prefer to focus on one thing at a time
• Are self-contained and reserved 

Hm. E.

Sensors often:
• Focus on details & specifics
• Admire practical solutions
• Notice details & remember facts
• Are pragmatic - see what is
• Live in the here-and-now
• Trust actual experience
• Like to use established skills
• Like step-by-step instructions
• Work at a steady pace

Intuitives often:
• Focus on the big picture & possibilities
• Admire creative ideas
• Notice anything new or different
• Are inventive - see what could be (oh, I almost live by this...)
• Think about future implications
• Trust their gut instincts (always heheh)
• Prefer to learn new skills
• Like to figure things out for themselves
• Work in bursts of energy

N, though it's not that distinct...I suppose this is what they call "an N with a well developed S side".

Thinkers often:
• Make decisions objectively
• Appear cool and reserved
• Are most convinced by rational arguments
• Are honest and direct
• Value honesty and fairness
• Take few things personally
• Are good at seeing flaws (well, I see them often; not sure if that means I do it well...)
• Are motivated by achievement (not in the pure sense. Achievement is nothing without the benefits it confers)
  
• Argue or debate issues for fun

Feelers often:
• Decide based on their values & feelings
• Appear warm and friendly (...do I?)
• Are most convinced by how they feel
• Are diplomatic and tactful
• Value harmony and compassion (compassion, yes. Harmony...not really.)
• Take many things personally
• Are quick to compliment others (I just don't...compliment people. Not sincerely. I give token compliments, though.)
• Are motivated by appreciation
• Avoid arguments and conflicts

F. Ha...I found myself going "NOOO TOTALLY NOT" to most of those in the T list.

Aaand...

Judgers often:
• Like to have things settled
• Take responsibilities seriously (NO.)
• Pay attention to time & are usually prompt (HEH NO.)
• Prefer to finish projects
• Work first, play later
• Seek closure
• See the need for most rules (NOO.)
• Like to make & stick with plans
• Find comfort in schedules

Perceivers often:
• Like to keep their options open
• Are playful and casual
• Are less aware of time and may run late
• Prefer to start projects (...hmm? I think I like to both start AND finish projects!)
• Play first, work later
• May have difficulty making some decisions (OH TOTALLY.)
• Question the need for many rules (YESH.)
• Like to keep plans flexible (OMG P totally describes me.)
• Want the freedom to be spontaneous

 Expectedly, I'm a P. Hah.

Oh. And it seems I went through the entire exercise to discover that I am, indeed, an ENFP. =.=

Aaaand then I thought it might be interesting to see which I was by specific prose descriptions rather than descriptors, so I dug up something:

Q1. Which is your most natural energy orientation? 

Every person has two faces. One is directed towards the OUTER world of activities, excitements, people, and things. The other is directed inward to the INNER world of thoughts, interests, ideas, and imagination.
While these are two different but complementary sides of our nature, most people have an innate preference towards energy from the either the OUTER or INNER worlds. Thus one of their faces, either the Extraverted (E) or Introverted (I), takes the lead in their personality development and plays a more dominant role in their behavior.

By this description, I can't be completely sure I'm an E anymore...I seem to take part in both almost equally in this case. Hm.

Q2. Which way of Perceiving or understanding is most "automatic" or natural?

The Sensing (S) side of our brain notices the sights, sounds, smells and all the sensory details of the PRESENT. It categorizes, organizes, records and stores the specifics from the here and now. It is REALITY based.

The Intuitive (N) side of our brain seeks to understand, interpret and form OVERALL patterns of all the information that is collected and records these patterns and relationships. It speculates on POSSIBILITIES, including looking into and forecasting the FUTURE. It is imaginative and conceptual.

While both kinds of perceiving are necessary and used by all people, each of us instinctively tends to favor one over the other.

I feel, once again, like I could be both...? :O Like I said, I really love making lists. I love also working with the concrete and experiencing sensory stimulation...but I also like imagining and conceptualising and creating...? How odd.

Q3. Which way of forming Judgments and making choices is most natural?

The Thinking (T) side of our brain analyzes information in a DETACHED, objective fashion. It operates from factual principles, deduces and forms conclusions systematically. It is our logical nature.

The Feeling (F) side of our brain forms conclusions in an ATTACHED and somewhat global manner, based on likes/dislikes, impact on others, and human and aesthetic values. It is our subjective nature.

While everyone uses both means of forming conclusions, each person has a natural bias towards one over the other so that when they give us conflicting directions - one side is the natural trump card or tiebreaker.

I guess I'm a Feeling person still. I don't like logic, but if you look at the way I do my math and chem and stuff, it isn't exactly a mess either...

Q4. What is your action orientation towards the outside world?

All people use both judging (thinking and feeling) and perceiving (sensing and intuition) processes to store information, organize our thoughts, make decisions, take actions and manage our lives. Yet one of these processes (Judging or Perceiving) tends to take the lead in our relationship with the outside world while the other governs our inner world.

A Judging (J) style approaches the outside world WITH A PLAN and is oriented towards organizing one's surroundings, being prepared, making decisions and reaching closure and completion.
A Perceiving (P) style takes the outside world AS IT COMES and is adopting and adapting, flexible, open-ended and receptive to new opportunities and changing game plans.

Nope, no plan. I'm an improviser.

And thus by this new criteria passage thing, I seem to be E/I N/S F P? Well, ah well.

---

Not to bore you, but I found some random pieces of information about ENFP...

"With Extraverted Intuitive personality types, words, ideas and possibilities spew effortlessly from them. Words are their best friends. They dance around ideas, the more, the merrier. Imaginative, spontaneous, original and enthusiastic, they have a knack for seeing other possibilities, other dreams and options. The world is never as it is but as it could be, as if it were but an artists sketch begging for colour. They initiate change and often are prone to trespassing a few known boundaries to take themselves and others where no one has been before. The status quo tends to lack inspiration."

I have to agree. This does sound like me, and I do say the things mentioned quite often, without even realising it.

And whoaa I just found a bunch of words that apparently describe us! *sifts through*

"outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking, good at getting people to have fun, pleasure seeking, irresponsible, physically affectionate, risk taker, thrill seeker, likely to have or want a tattoo (lol?!), adventurous, unprepared, attention seeking, hyperactive, irrational, loves crowds, rule breaker, prone to losing things, seductive, easily distracted, open, revealing, comfortable in unfamiliar situations, attracted to strange things, non punctual, likes to stand out, likes to try new things, fun seeker, unconventional, energetic, impulsive, empathetic, dangerous, loving, attachment prone, prone to fantasy"

(Y)

And apologies for boring you. Once in a while it's nice to read on others' takes on you. I was intending to go around collecting people's MBTI profiles and comparing with my impressions of them...not sure I'll ever get round to that but that sure would be funnnnn.

umbrella open

I'm glad you guys liked the prologue of Umbrella Story. Gives me hope for the rest of the piece.

strong

Alright, so I have a friend Rachel who recently posted a ranty blogpost about the NDP dance performance and got into a bit of trouble for it, on top of that gaining a few haters. If you're reading this, Rachel, nice job talking those trolls (with nothing better to do except to find something to be pseudo-righteously angry about) up :)

It's interesting recalling how I felt about that same blogpost that so many people felt insulted by: hey, I think that opinion is pretty widespread, except she bothered to make a statement about it and she faced what every other person probably didn't have the energy to face as a result of doing so.

Best thing of all is how she's responded. Absolutely remarkable. Well, I still think having haters is a sign that you've come to a certain level of fame or prominence in the public eye. The instant you have yourself a hater, you know that you're popular or famous enough for someone to be jealous of you, mock you, think you undeserving.

Sort of reminds me of Tony Tan being booed by people who came to watch his speech for no reason except to put him down. What did he do? He waved at the minority of supporters and promised them his best service. Not that I have much of an opinion about politics, but I like his attitude.

And to hell with people who shoot others down just because it makes them feel like part of a powerful and righteous force. Everyone has a purpose to their actions; everyone has a valid point, except the ones who do it for the sake of riling another--such as you flamers. Of course, you have valid points too, but there are far more civil ways of raising them than ganging up on the person who got on your nerves.

nostalgia

something I painted (digitally) rather recently.

To think of the past that we chose to cast behind us, of the future that blinded us yet we knew we must pursue.

Days left, wrapped neatly, in the corner of an old dusky station. As if waiting for the arrival of someone who has moved far beyond return.


Goodbye comes too soon, and we say it without comprehending a single word.

confessions (7) -- the last :O

#31: I judge books by their covers. Literally and figuratively both.

#32: I really don't understand myself. Not at all. I can believe in two opposing notions at the same time. I don't know if I'm an optimist or a pessimist. I call myself an optimist and I speak pessimist words. I believe I am an angry person, and yet I spend more time smiling than frowning. I am a cynical idealistic cynic; I really don't know which I am. I can be both ends of a spectrum. At the same time, or ever-changing. Oscillating. So mercurial and so confused. I really don't know who I am.

#33: I tend to exaggerate and round figures up to make them more interesting. Keep this in mind while re-reading my confessions.

interpretations

I just wanted to put the thought down before I lost it. Originally from a thread between Yang and Angus somewhere on Facebook, but the thread was killed so...

Music is a whole experience. For any one piece, the personal experience necessarily differs. Some derive enjoyment of a piece from considering context and background, some from analysis, others from ignoring all such pedantic thinking. Two may listen to Rachmaninov's interpretations of Chopin; one could balk at the pianist's technical imprecision; another may be taken in by his unfettered expression and sincerity. Ultimately, it is the appreciator's own choice how to experience it in order to derive their own greatest satisfaction and/or enlightenment. Art at the initial moment of experience is a purely self-centred act, and it should not matter where other opinions lie.

confessions (6)

Hahah almost finished! I'm pretty sure all my stalkers really enjoyed this =.=

#26: I still can't tell if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. I have a long way to go, in terms of "Know thyself"......

#27: I have great propensity to be bitter. Bitter about things I can't forget and would never forgive. I find it extremely hard to forget bad emotions. I don't let it affect my day-to-day behaviour, but I can very quickly reawaken long-buried unhappiness.

#28: Before I came into RI, I was so certain there was no way I would ever get myself into a relationship, or even like a guy enough to want one. Gawd how much that has changed.

#29: I live my life as if it were a story, and I think I still cling to some very idealistic hopes for what my life will be. I still believe in the power of the individual against society. I believe in poetic justice and deserving whatever ending you get.

#30: I am interested in most things (esp. scientific) for their symbolic and aesthetic beauty. This applies for birds, astronomy, flight physics, navigation devices etc.

confessions (5)

#21: When I'm bored, I read my stories and school essays because, frankly, I really like them. >D

#22: Sometimes I grant myself the concession to believe that I compose/write music better than whoever did the soundtracks of those local productions on OKTO. And even some Nintendo games.

#23: I say I'm vegetarian, but......I still eat meat. My parents seem bent on forcing me to eat it because "oh it's important and you're growing and blah blah"! >_>

#24: I'm frankly tired of hearing my friends talk about Fire Emblem all the time.

#25: I eat the unpopped kernels in popcorn. Chewy...

so...

I'm not unfamiliar with pain. Where emotions are concerned, it's almost like I can recite the sequence by heart. The first staggering blow, and the ache lingers in the ambience like a distinct bitterness, sometimes so horrible it makes you hate yourself for ever bringing it upon yourself. With time, it fades off like how the worst pain always does, as new and better memories of the perpetrator form to cover old wounds. And it can take a few weeks, or a few months, but this is the far end of 'a few months' and it still hurts like it did at the moment it happened, and hurts again when I remember all the events preceding it, foreshadowing it. I don't know why it won't go away.

(I'll continue with the confessions on the next post...I can't access Blogger and my drafts from my phone.)

confessions (4)

Aaaaand now there's 32 likes. I wonder who is still checking for these!

#16: I like looking at girls more than guys...in anime, at least. Sometimes I can't stand the sight of guys, but girls always look so pretty and visually appealing and...I shall not go on.

#17: Girl crushes do exist, because in my time in RGS, I had them almost continuously. My longest crush in my life was on a girl--it lasted 2.5 years. I still feel a little shy whenever I see her.

#18: I've never really felt any belonging to my family nor attachment to my parents. They're nice people...just somehow, they never won my heart over.

#19: My curfew is 8 o'clock. I break it constantly and repeatedly >_>

#20: I still check my deviantART and FanFiction.net hit counts daily. Such a popularity whore......

confessions (3)

Gawd...more likes since yesterday. 15 down, 16 to go!

#11: I hated piano lessons...I hated them so much that I gave piano up at the first chance my parents gave me to do so...

#12: I don't forgive; I only forget. I'm really not as flippant about these things as I try my best to seem.

#13: I've had crushes on dead people/historical figures before.

#14: I don't usually like things as much as I make it sound. I've trained myself to be able to exaggerate convincingly--in written text, at least.

#15: I cannot stand malapropisms, and I know some people who are extremely guilty of misusing big words in the hope of sounding profound...but I keep quiet about it, as much as I can. ><

我的家

From the geniuses, my P4-6 classmates.

我的家 爆炸
爸爸变gorilla
妈妈跳楼自杀
婆婆大声笑哈哈
我的家 chaoda
我们应该跑吧
我的家真的会爆炸
因为我泡了太多茶

confessions (2)

Once again, from the FB status. Next five! Blah I think the next few will come tomorrow.

#6: If I've stalked you, there's a good chance I'm either a fan of you or have taken a brief fancy to you before. Not 100% though...

#7: The pain of those days of heartbreak never really left me. It's just like they tell it in songs--it hurts as much as the day it happened, every time I think of it. I still cry about it when no one is looking.

#8: I don't like being a Christian; I hate having these rituals and beliefs forced down my throat just because the figure of authority in my home is a devout believer.

#9: I like fame. I like it when a lot of people know my name. To me, breach of privacy is really no breach at all.

#10: No matter how often you tell me I'm great at something, I don't think I'll ever be able to believe you.

confessions (1)

From the Facebook status. Eighteen likes so far O_O ah well. I'm posting them in bunches of five.

#1: I'm really a little scared of the reality of love. Am I able to give that much? Is it really so tame? It's nothing like love in the books, and I must confess it's alarming.

#2: I really, really, absolutely abhor the feeling of discussing schoolwork with people who are better than me at every single subject, people who seem to get everything right without even trying. Just because they're smart and there's nothing anyone can do about it. One such person, unfortunately, is Huan Yan Qi. I know you're reading this.

#3: I learnt Japanese for no reason except that I wanted to translate the ending theme of Jirachi: Wish-maker. I began to lose interest in Japanese lessons after I managed to do so.

#4: I cheat on my novel word counts by spewing out useless text that doesn't contribute to the plot at all...just to chalk up an impressive number.


#5: I secretly enjoy the feeling of breaking bad news.

you don't have to feel like a waste of space
you're original, cannot be replaced
if you only knew what the future holds
after a hurricane comes a rainbow

Good luck... [ to a friend whom I never really spoke to but care about all the same. ]

on my sudden unreasonable anger while watching award reception today

Judgmental and sweeping and fallacious, but let me get it out will you.

Logical, mathematical genius is superfluous and too common. Sure, help me balance my checkbook. And will this make you any more of a person than you are? Would you, as you plummet towards the ground from the top of a building, be furiously estimating your distance from the ground by the number of levels up you ascended earlier, just so you can calculate the force of impact, assess your chances of survival, predict how many bones you will break, how many organs you will rupture?

Sharp critical insight, talent with humanities, produces frightening people, but is ultimately pointless--he/she can out-argue me, but does he/she not live chained by knowledge of these things? And whyever would I want that? Would you think and philosophise on the futility of order in humanity for we all bow to our base instincts and are no more the 'civilised population' we envisioned ourselves to be than the rest of our clade--ponder so hard that, at last in despair, you desire to be rid of your humanity and conscience and cognizance? You pound at conundrums you know you will never solve. Ethics and politics and theology--where do you intend to go with this? Is it any wonder to be able to write essays about them--such a futile exercise?

Comprehension of psychology; it draws honour, it terrifies hearts, but this is a class of pitiable people. They may map the labyrinth of my mind, comprehend the manner in which I take in, process, respond to the stimulus of the world. They may hope to predict how I act next, pre-empt my moves, outsmart me and tangle me up. I'm sure that's satisfying in some twisted way. But try as they might they cannot take my mind and happiness as their own. They can analyse and scour as they wish, but no multitude of analyses will yield them an answer to the question: how can I be happy?

Creative intelligence shuns everything else, seeing itself as the only sane one in the world. Yet it, itself, is the insane one, living in illusion. It encloses itself, away from the world, within a bubble that is essentially defined by selfishness. It matters, no longer, how the world runs, as long as it is happy. It craves acceptance, love, singularity. It runs from your concerns because my concerns are all that matter. It tries to reproduce reality in the way that suits it best, the reality it desires, the reality it knows it will never have and all the more must bring forth. The creator is a disillusioned fool, who refuses the truth, and hides within his/her own religion, the synthetic, esoteric religion of the dream and the love and the nonexistent story. Opens the windows but closes the door. Refuses the electric bulb for a candle. The creator doesn't understand. Refuses to understand. Clings sheer to his/her own selfish, flawed, unreal understanding of the world as it is. And doesn't want it any other way, because it loves its own too much.

But at least it is truly happy, or at least as close to happiness as anyone ever will be.

aftermath

2011 mid-year CTs. I feel kinda bad in both directions, knowing that there are people who paid attention during every lecture, didn't watch YouTube videos during tutorials, mugged for days, did their TYS's with fervour, and still did badly in their Biology/Chemistry/Mathematics papers. The fact is, I hardly worked.

Final grade tally: 1A, 2Bs, 2Ds, 1U.

The U, quite obviously, for Chinese. Odd to hear me saying it, but I really need to work on this. My mother intends to send me to a local university, whether I like it or not. Education in overseas universities is apparently too costly, even for her dear daughter for whom she would wish the world(?!) and if there isn't a Chinese D7 under my belt by the end of these two years, it's either a) lousy local college that doesn't even need my D7, or b) university in Malaysia, e.g. the one my aunt went to, which is frankly the only one I've heard of. Neither of which I really want, but seem set on the road to. God, how do I do that. Improve my Chinese.

My D for Chem was painfully disappointing, but that can be put off to the difficulty of the paper. I'll do better next time. D for GP is unforgivable, but sadly inevitable given my track record. The rest, I could not desire better of. B really is enough. Now...to sustain it. Or to aim even higher.

Well, I'd say I've done a good job. I'm doing better now than I did for the entirety of Secondary school, and it's not even difficult. So now...I wonder if there's hope for me. I wonder if I should go for it. If I should try. I don't know if it's worth the effort...