"A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):
a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.
b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.
AND
2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):
a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.
b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others' experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain
B. Pathological personality traits in the following domain:
1. Antagonism, characterized by:
a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.
b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking."
I am afraid to believe I experience this. I want to insist I do not think so highly to myself, that it is not abnormal. Yet the more I read of the symptoms, the more I realise it resembles exactly my situation.
A lot of what I'm about to say is likely to ruin any good impression anyone ever had of me. If ever. Some of it will make me look like a complete jerk. But I'll put it somewhere since admitting it is always the first step to solving it.
Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation - I never realised it was a problem. But I guess it always was a problem, whether or not I realised. I will not be pleased about a work unless it's praised heavily. Or. I will be pleased about it until I upload it somewhere and there is a dearth of response. Why does no one like it? I will ask myself. Because it's bad. Will always be my conclusion. Something is bad as long as no one likes it. I share my writing so there can be people to love it, and when they love it then I love it, or then I am satisfied. If they don't it sucks. I suck.
Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional - I was never satisfied by good scores unless I topped the class. If I cannot top a class, I do not work at all because then I will have the excuse "I was lazy". But even when I could top the class, the pressure was crushing. I missed entire lessons in the weeks before exams to cry in toilets, fearing my inability to stay at the top. I needed to be the best. I need to be the best. I cannot settle for less. I don't want this to be. When I look at my friends' artwork and realise they have garnered a lot of positive feedback, I get angry, I convince myself my work is better, I try to find every fault I can find. I want to mock it in front of them. But I cannot because the rest of me is afraid they will start hating me. I once suffered a panic attack when I saw a piece of art by a friend that I was so angry to be impressed by. I feel like such a jerk for it. But I feel a driving urge to be better. At something at least. At everything if I could.
Now because I cannot handle it I simply avoid people who might trigger a sense of inferiority in me, or a need to assert superiority. The fact is that my only coping strategy was to block the posts of friends on Facebook who upload their art. Because if I find it I know what I'll inevitably do. Convince myself I do art better. Write better. Because I'm just so damn insecure about my ability. I don't know if I am good. I need someone to tell me I am.
Excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self - I have self-injured because of criticism. Or mere disinterest. I cannot take negative response. The smallest hint of discontent becomes a destructive rampaging monster in my mind. It tears up any pride I had for the work I have just done, worse if there was a lot of pride. Or hope. I feel as if a work was a failure as long as someone disliked something about it. Even valid criticism crushes me. It's the same reason I am afraid to put things up for judgment in competitions or performances. I argued with the teacher for exemption from a competition he wanted me to enter. I want it to be loved; I want me to be loved.
I wonder if this is born of the belief that I am special, which my parents ingrained in me from youth. Or to do with how my sisters bullied me as a child. I see them currently repeating the process with Christa; it is destroying me inside but I have not the right words to stop them, not when they're enjoying themselves. I wonder if they suffer their own disorder. Why enjoy the humiliation and suffering of another? I can see them changing Christa's personality. She's bitter and materialistic. She's only 8.
Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others' experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain - I think so. I think I feel no attachment to a friendship in which the other party is not interested in me and in my work. When we converse, I am likely to steer it towards myself or my work. I always knew it was a problem and I have always felt bad about it but somehow I have interest in discussing little else, and this may explain it.
