Am I undesirable? Am I doing something wrong? Am I bad company?

I need to stop talking about myself and nothing else. I want to be interested in other things, want it to be a route via which I can become better friends with others! I want to be less self-absorbed. What am I supposed to do?

Such is the life of the...creator? I love my own creations too much. And I bet I'm boring people with all my talk of myself. And they're just being polite. And smiling for me because they know what I'll do if they don't. How I'll react. I'm the weakest of the group, that's why they keep having to accommodate me, serve me, I don't want it to be this way.

I think I've always been bad company because all I can talk about are things no one else cares to hear about. And I guess it's time I realised that. I need to do some soul-searching.

Intermittent explosive disorder

"a. There must be several separate episodes of failure to restrain aggressive impulses that result in serious assaults against others or property destruction.

b. The degree of aggression expressed must be out of proportion to any provocation or other stressor prior to the incidents.

c. The behavior cannot be accounted for by another mental disorder, substance abuse, medication side effects, or such general medical conditions as epilepsy or head injuries."

I am most sure that I suffer from this. I have caused harm to people for the tiniest of reasons. As a child I used to beat my siblings up when they upset me. I have destroyed things, injured myself and attempted to injure others, out of blind rage--teachers changing the melody to a song I wrote, scoring a deserved 45% on an examination, mother insisting I apply to a university course I have little interest in. I have torn up exam papers and tutorials, notes; I have thrown things at teachers and friends. That time with the university course, I hit my mother. Once I threw a soft drink can into the bin over someone's head, and the person scolded me for it--I think I tried to strangle someone out of anger at that, and that someone wasn't the person who scolded me. In fact it was someone I care much about...

I imagine worse things, but of course I fear for my life and my criminal record and I will never do them. I can't say much about frequency (what is considered frequent?) but these moods seize me at least once every day or two days.

Narcissistic personality disorder

"A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.

b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others' experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domain:

1. Antagonism, characterized by:

a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.


b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking."


I am afraid to believe I experience this. I want to insist I do not think so highly to myself, that it is not abnormal. Yet the more I read of the symptoms, the more I realise it resembles exactly my situation.

A lot of what I'm about to say is likely to ruin any good impression anyone ever had of me. If ever. Some of it will make me look like a complete jerk. But I'll put it somewhere since admitting it is always the first step to solving it.

Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation - I never realised it was a problem. But I guess it always was a problem, whether or not I realised. I will not be pleased about a work unless it's praised heavily. Or. I will be pleased about it until I upload it somewhere and there is a dearth of response. Why does no one like it? I will ask myself. Because it's bad. Will always be my conclusion. Something is bad as long as no one likes it. I share my writing so there can be people to love it, and when they love it then I love it, or then I am satisfied. If they don't it sucks. I suck.

Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional - I was never satisfied by good scores unless I topped the class. If I cannot top a class, I do not work at all because then I will have the excuse "I was lazy". But even when I could top the class, the pressure was crushing. I missed entire lessons in the weeks before exams to cry in toilets, fearing my inability to stay at the top. I needed to be the best. I need to be the best. I cannot settle for less. I don't want this to be. When I look at my friends' artwork and realise they have garnered a lot of positive feedback, I get angry, I convince myself my work is better, I try to find every fault I can find. I want to mock it in front of them. But I cannot because the rest of me is afraid they will start hating me. I once suffered a panic attack when I saw a piece of art by a friend that I was so angry to be impressed by. I feel like such a jerk for it. But I feel a driving urge to be better. At something at least. At everything if I could.

Now because I cannot handle it I simply avoid people who might trigger a sense of inferiority in me, or a need to assert superiority. The fact is that my only coping strategy was to block the posts of friends on Facebook who upload their art. Because if I find it I know what I'll inevitably do. Convince myself I do art better. Write better. Because I'm just so damn insecure about my ability. I don't know if I am good. I need someone to tell me I am.

Excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self - I have self-injured because of criticism. Or mere disinterest. I cannot take negative response. The smallest hint of discontent becomes a destructive rampaging monster in my mind. It tears up any pride I had for the work I have just done, worse if there was a lot of pride. Or hope. I feel as if a work was a failure as long as someone disliked something about it. Even valid criticism crushes me. It's the same reason I am afraid to put things up for judgment in competitions or performances. I argued with the teacher for exemption from a competition he wanted me to enter. I want it to be loved; I want me to be loved.

I wonder if this is born of the belief that I am special, which my parents ingrained in me from youth. Or to do with how my sisters bullied me as a child. I see them currently repeating the process with Christa; it is destroying me inside but I have not the right words to stop them, not when they're enjoying themselves. I wonder if they suffer their own disorder. Why enjoy the humiliation and suffering of another? I can see them changing Christa's personality. She's bitter and materialistic. She's only 8.

Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others' experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain - I think so. I think I feel no attachment to a friendship in which the other party is not interested in me and in my work. When we converse, I am likely to steer it towards myself or my work. I always knew it was a problem and I have always felt bad about it but somehow I have interest in discussing little else, and this may explain it.

Phobia

"A: Marked and persistent fear that is excessive or unreasonable, cued by the presence or anticipation of a specific object or situation (e.g., flying, heights, animals, receiving an injection, seeing blood)

B: Exposure to the phobic stimulus almost invariably provokes an immediate anxiety response, which may take the form of a situationally bound or situationally predisposed panic attack. Note: In children, the anxiety may be expressed by crying, tantrums, freezing, or clinging

C: The person recognizes that the fear is excessive or unreasonable. Note: In children, this feature may be absent

D: The phobic situation(s) is avoided or else is endured with intense anxiety or distress

E: The avoidance, anxious anticipation or distress in the feared situation(s) interferes significantly with the person’s normal routine, occupational (or academic functioning), or social activities or relationships, or there is marked distress about having the phobia"


A common one. I guess everyone has one or another but I'll have it here anyway because I'm reading.

Trypanophobia, fear of hypodermic needles and things generally made to puncture skin. I know I begged my parents to arrange for me to be generally anaesthesised for vaccination/to administer it at home while I was asleep. I ran away from the health checkup just so I didn't have to take the injection. I cried and two teachers had to pin me to the chair/hug me before they managed to get the needle in. Thinking of needles makes me feel faint and breathless. I think this comes from imagining the needle breaking skin and pumping liquid into me...I feel dizzy imagining it.

Genophobia, fear of sex. I had to be excused from biology lessons with videos of the act of sexual intercourse because I panicked. I still fear intimacy and grow withdrawn when I experience extreme intimacy with the person I'm in a relationship with. It is an obstacle I have had to face in my relationship.

Tokophobia, fear of pregnancy. Was excused from biology lessons with videos of that sort as well, for the same reason. I refuse to be a mother.

Mysophobia, fear of dirt and disease. Not so much dirt. I avoid being near even close friends when they are sick and sometimes arrange not to meet them just to avoid falling sick. I hold my breath when I am around sick people; I try to leave as soon as possible. I have panic attacks imagining the pathogens lurking everywhere.

Er...phobia of caterpillars. Panic attacks seeing them. Pictures of them garner an intense fear response as well.

My mind

I am starting to discover I have (a) mental disorder(s). Reading up now. Doing a self-diagnosis because professional diagnosis may cost and I know my parents won't want to pay. I will update.

The more we talk, the less I like you.

unhealthy(?) dreaming

I think I dream of beating people up a lot more often than a normal person ought to. It's always a really sluggish and infuriating process in dreams though. Your blows always never hit as fast as you want them. As if you were doing everything underwater.

worlds opening

I'm realising I really dislike being one who follows--a mere rider of trends.

I want to make the trends. I want to start things. I want to give them what no one's imagined before.

I say I hate being a leader; really I want to lead as the spark, not the wind that fans the flames.

The yoke of obligation off my shoulders at last, I find the world seems so much wider! I am no longer insecure; I embrace respect for my fellows; I feel powerful! I should rest now, rest more because the waking hours are more precious than before.

I think so

I really think she hates me. I really think you hate me. And I feel there's nothing I can do to change that fact, not now.