you might want to skip this post.

This post is a much needed detox. Read at your/my own risk.


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What is gender? Gender is a way of thinking. Gender is not determined by your physiology. Gender is not one-or-the-other. There are shades, tints; there is a gradient. I'm glad we're learning about this soon.

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The fact that there are males around in school is finally sinking in. I wonder why it took me this long, when I've been surrounded by them, literally, for three whole months.

I'm downright terrified now, about what this means. About what this fact inevitably proceeds into. What if it becomes too complicated? What if someday, a guy will feel for me something I'll never return? I see it happening already, or at least I suspect I do. Or maybe guys are just that desperate for female attention.

I know how easily I can handle heartbreak (not that it's your conventional kind of "hearbreak"), but what about them, whomever I rejected, whomever never meant to reject? You know I'm the kind who hates perpetrating sadness in another. And while I'd do anything not to hurt feelings, I simply cannot force myself to return another's affections.

I hope I'm so unappealing no one even wants to feel that way towards me. I don't want to be caught in all this lying, all this running away. When all I really need to admit is, "I don't want to be with you". I'll never find it within me to say those words.

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How strange, to think I'm blogging about BGR now. I thought I'd never have to concern myself with it. I wish this weren't life. I wish I could be completely isolated and apart from these issues. But it's happening all around me, and I'm part of it anyway; I didn't ask, it entered my life.

The question that closes the circle: do I like anyone? Maybe. But for me "liking" is just an elevated form of friendship, like what I have with my friends of seven years. Because I don't feel any sexual lust, I'll never have a benchmark on which to judge if this is romantic "liking". If wanting to befriend a guy the way I was drawn to my female friends is "liking", then why, I like a lot of guys. But that puts girls on the same level. Which means I like a lot of girls too.

So, am I straight? I highly doubt it. Am I bisexual? I've been asking myself that question too. And I have to admit this for once and for all: I don't know.

But there's something strange--I don't think you can classify me this way, since I don't feel for anyone in the sexual sense. All humans are humans, and my love for any of them is regardless of gender. Does that mean I'm asexual? It should be dizzying, but somehow all this makes perfect sense to me. Maybe I am.

In the end, all "love" is the same to me. Even my parents and siblings are about as much to me as my schoolmates. I know who my three most-loved people in the world are. They're all female. Only one of them is in my family.

I don't "love". I can't find it in me. Or maybe my unspeakable definition of "friendship" is, in fact, love. Maybe I just haven't met someone who can incite such an emotional response in me yet. Someone who can teach me the difference between "friendship" and "love".

Then again, all that matters to me is this: I know there are people out there who care. Who tell me they love me. I think that's enough for me. For now.