The sky tonight is perfectly clear, but that only makes me sad.

It's not that I don't know what to do. It's the guilt of knowing what I will have to do, invariably, eventually. It's the guilt.

I've scarcely felt so guilty before. So wrong. So clueless. So hopeless. I never asked to be a part of this, but is there anything I can do but know that I am to blame?

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I used to let it happen, I used to act my part, because it made some people smile. I'm sure it brought them some sort of happiness, some form of genuine joy that only I could have given.

But there comes a point when you want it all to stop. When it's finally more than you asked for, and a little more will break you. And this is the fact. Literature and storytelling love the people who put neighbour before self, who will suffer for the sake of another. And I've always said "yes" to everyone, for deprecation of myself, for hate of being selfish, for fear of another's sadness,

but I'm tired of living for others, and tired of always acceding, and tired of pretending to smile, and pretending to love, just because it'll make them happy.

I don't want to seem self-centred. But I don't want to hide anything either. And the fact is, being selfless is more painful than you could imagine.

I wish, so deeply, so much, that I didn't care what people felt. That way, I could smash the chains of their hopes, their faiths, and walk away with my head still high and my smile still wide, keep their stories apart from mine. But I'm so afraid of breaking a heart, a soul, a spirit, that I don't even try to free myself. I don't even dare.

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There's nothing much else I can do, but lament in virtual public and hope the ones concerned can deduce I'm referring to them..

And can I say, I don't want to be entrapped forever, I want to have the freedom to choose--and be forgiven for whatever pain I may cause, consciously or inadvertently?