again, :(

I get so disappointed in myself sometimes. Is it because I need constant validation? Is it because the only sort of validation I will accept is numerical, statistical, truly indisputable validation? It may be because I've learnt how easy it is to falsify any other sort of accolade. Not an easy way to live, or healthy, but it might be the source of all my problems. From knowing how things can so easily be false I refuse to believe things are real except when it cannot be fabricated. Hit counts, download counts, scores, official awards. I cannot settle for much else.

I wonder if the discrepancy is what makes my behaviour so puzzling to others. I may be praised frequently, but somehow it never strikes me the way it should, something to be treasured, something to satisfy me. I'm always terrified of lies and flattery, that others fear to hurt me. Of course I probably brought that upon myself by refusing to accept criticism either.

Wow I'm terrible...