A discussion with someone about things just made me wonder: do I scare the people who read my blog? Or are all my readers sadists waiting to see what my next statement about murderous desire/self-hate will be, how I will destroy myself? Or again, do people read for the posts in between?

I realise I'm not popular because people know these things about me. That I'm unpredictable with my anger, uncontrollable, destructive, violent. I know that. I remember how it felt being in conversations I did not enjoy, already somewhat nettled inside but putting on a front and laughing along--and suddenly bursting into tears at the next statement and tearing up my homework or throwing things at the floor/people.

My friend says I should get diagnosed for IED because I may have it. And/or a range of other psychological disorders. All of it is speculation, but I feel abnormal. It is not normal to hate the success of your friends. It is not normal to be hurt by criticism to the point you'd self-injure. It is not normal to want to kill people because they're imposing on you.