competition arcs

I like when characters are ranked in stories. Ranked people, ranked groups, ranked nations. And I like when they compete to change rankings. I want to write one like this. People fighting to change judges' impressions and rearrange their rankings every week. Maybe through entertainment. Fantasy entertainment reality shows.

Really I like most speculative fiction involving competition of some sort. Racing, tournaments, elimination rounds, strange competitions of other sorts.

Any recommendations?

by the way, streampad

Also, as a side thought, I wonder if anyone has been listening to the music I dumped on the bottom of the page. Have fun with it? I put in all the calmest/slowest anime/game music in my library, suitable for BGM. There's not many slow pieces of music that I like so the list's pretty short.

Background changed to Miku wallpaper...except Miku is not visible.

My post h3s are not showing up. I'm sick of studying the skin. Maybe I will stop giving my posts titles.

black/white selection--psychoanalyse!

I've realised I always choose the white phones when there's a black/white choice. I've also realised I'm the only person in my family who does.

Plans

Okay, time to write about something more cheerful. I intend to write a pseudo-essay (read: fangush) about Neutral's escape room games. They're positively beautiful. Go find them, play them, if you have the time!

Side-note: 'A' levels are making me so impatient...

I hate you. I hate you because they love you! I want to be loved too. I am going about it wrongly. But I want to be loved, but I don't want to be false for love--I am a person who does not beget love. You are. You are the spark that draws the eyes. I must be a cockroach. A billion year old species, but the most repulsive alive by consensus.

I don't want to acknowledge you. I don't want to know you're more talented than me; I do not know you're more talented! I want to believe I am the greater. I am the higher. I, I, I swear I am; I must be! Look! Yet I'm more hated. I'm less, I'm less than nothing.

And I will never prove I am better either.

GAAAHHH

AAAAAH I guess some don't take hints. I hate discussing writing, art and composition with others who do it. I hate discussing mine, I hate discussing theirs, I hate it because I feel in every conversation as if they're trying to outdo me by making theirs sound better than mine. I don't like to compare. Whether or not mine sounds better, because I CANNOT FREAKING TELL. I feel as if we're competing with every word put forth.

Wow now I realise I've changed so much. I used to describe myself as warm, friendly, accommodating, open, bla bla bla but now I dislike the thought of my own clumsy openness; I've lost every liking for sentimentality, I'm quick to condemn. What changed me? Meeting guys, I imagine. Meeting people who dared hurt me just because I was not "competent" enough.

sigh, I make myself victim again

I get so angry listening, sometimes. I cannot be explicit because I know I may be wrong, but are you trying to outdo me on the grounds I chose? Punch a hole in my pride, the very highest pride of mine? Can I not enjoy a victory without anyone trying to drag me down? Must there always be people trying to best me?

I'm sorry for assuming I am a victim in every case but it is hard for me to see this setup in any other way.

Can I never rest quiet?

enemies

I once had a friend who liked me to hate her. She derived some joy from it, as if she saw hate as a beautiful thing, as if between foes and lovers the former knew the more profound joy. It was frustrating because it seemed she liked to be the one we all hated. I suppose it was a hateful love she tries to win from everyone, or perhaps did not try at all. No warmer than admiration, no colder than a blaze.

I can say it is the strangest thing to feel. Knowing an enemy for many years, he/she begins to grow into a part inseparable of oneself. A sentence of one's Definition. A strand of one's Being. We may hate with all our passion, but ultimately we cannot be without each other, because the other has become in some sense the person each is by being the person each is not--the person one strives to be not.

It's a simple matter of light and shadow, except to each the self is the light.

stress balls

Stress balls?! I do not have the slightest whit how to use them! Squeezing them only results in me clawing myself. Particularly if my nails are long, which is 70% of the time. I have two, one in the shape of a heart and one kidney (YES BODY PARTS but the heart is a typical heart). Squeezing them feels nice...until I feel my nails jabbing into my palm. Then it just becomes an annoying matter of trying not to squeeze without digging my nails into my palms. Aah.

I really do wonder if anyone else uses stress balls. I always believed that such "micro" physical relief only works for those who have already learnt restraint. But then I want to appreciate the gifts, so I feel I ought to use them......

element personalities!

Each element in 3 adjectives, MBTI, D/S and alignment. I will triangulate you a personality. I may also reuse adjectives.

 

Potassium: Hyperactive, violent, outgoing. ESFP. Dominant. Chaotic Good.

Calcium: Unshakeable, laconic, unbound. ISTP. Dominant. True Neutral.

Scandium: Cloistered, soft-spoken, studious. INTJ. Submissive. Lawful Neutral.

Titanium: Sardonic, confident, breezy. ENTP. Dominant. True Neutral.

Vanadium: Unrestrained, fiery, bad-tempered. ESFP. Dominant. Chaotic Good.

Chromium: Prudent, chivalrous, dutiful. ISTJ. Dominant. Lawful Good.

Cobalt: Haughty, quiet, unperturbed. INTP. Submissive. True Neutral.

Selenium: Calculating, adroit, shifty. INTP. Dominant. Lawful Evil.

Bromine: Loyal, strict, motherly. ISFJ. Dominant. Lawful Good.

Rubidum: Efficient, severe, ruthless. ISTJ. Dominant. Lawful Neutral.

Niobium: Curious, eager, demure. ENTP. Submissive. Neutral Good.

Molybdenum: Vivacious, cheerful, intense. ENFP. Submissive. Neutral Good.

Ruthenium: Sturdy, daring, tomboyish. ESTP. Dominant. True Neutral.

Silver: Secretive, condescending, evilll (secretly). INTP. Submissive. Lawful Evil.

Tellurium: Bloodlusting, self-destructive, masochistic. INFJ. Submissive. Chaotic Evil.

Xenon: Xenophobic (yes really), paranoid, responsible. ISTJ. Submissive. Lawful Neutral.

Hafnium: Compassionate, gentle, docile. INFP. Submissive. Lawful Good.

Thallium: Objective, stern, unrevealing. ISFJ. Submissive. Lawful Neutral.

Polonium: Intimidating, stiff, moody. ISTJ. Dominant. Lawful Neutral.

Radon: Jovial, indulgent, charismatic. ENFP. Dominant. Neutral Good. (though he IS maker of the law...)

Radium: Workaholic, obsessively neat, caring. INFJ. Submissive. Lawful Good.

Rutherfordium: Casual, creative, undemanding. Submissive. Neutral Good.

A discussion with someone about things just made me wonder: do I scare the people who read my blog? Or are all my readers sadists waiting to see what my next statement about murderous desire/self-hate will be, how I will destroy myself? Or again, do people read for the posts in between?

I realise I'm not popular because people know these things about me. That I'm unpredictable with my anger, uncontrollable, destructive, violent. I know that. I remember how it felt being in conversations I did not enjoy, already somewhat nettled inside but putting on a front and laughing along--and suddenly bursting into tears at the next statement and tearing up my homework or throwing things at the floor/people.

My friend says I should get diagnosed for IED because I may have it. And/or a range of other psychological disorders. All of it is speculation, but I feel abnormal. It is not normal to hate the success of your friends. It is not normal to be hurt by criticism to the point you'd self-injure. It is not normal to want to kill people because they're imposing on you.

again, :(

I get so disappointed in myself sometimes. Is it because I need constant validation? Is it because the only sort of validation I will accept is numerical, statistical, truly indisputable validation? It may be because I've learnt how easy it is to falsify any other sort of accolade. Not an easy way to live, or healthy, but it might be the source of all my problems. From knowing how things can so easily be false I refuse to believe things are real except when it cannot be fabricated. Hit counts, download counts, scores, official awards. I cannot settle for much else.

I wonder if the discrepancy is what makes my behaviour so puzzling to others. I may be praised frequently, but somehow it never strikes me the way it should, something to be treasured, something to satisfy me. I'm always terrified of lies and flattery, that others fear to hurt me. Of course I probably brought that upon myself by refusing to accept criticism either.

Wow I'm terrible...

I feel more like a failure everyday...

So many things make me feel like I'm a lousy person. This is another I finally pinpointed today.

Seeing my friends draw. Not daring to criticise them. Them criticising me. I never found criticism to be of any use, in all honesty. But I cannot tell them not to criticise me, can I?

One day in and I'm certain I'm screwed. I know what I've already done is not enough, yet I have not the drive, born of desperation for good results for most, to work harder, have no strength to push for a victory. Yet I know failure will upset me. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do at this point; tomorrow I have two papers I'm nowhere near ready for.

My opinion of pornography?

Haha. My father just walked in on me being on Tumblr with an Avatar picture on my screen. Clearly I'm supposed to be studying so I quickly pulled the laptop lid down. And he asked me questions thinking I was looking at porn. Ha, porn. If he knew just how much the sight of naked males scares me--and indeed how absolutely horrifying I find any part of the exclusive male anatomy--he'd probably feel no need to suspect me of seeking such questionable entertainment.

I long to hurt my siblings, to the extent that their disdain at my primitive methods means nothing. What does it mean, that you look down on my violence, if your lips are ripped at the corners? If your ears are off?

Maybe too I'd like to put them in eternal silence. I'd like never to have to hear their voices again, or see them. I'd really like to see them dead. See their pale bloodless faces. I want them behind glass.

Note to self: keep hating your family.

I will not decide I'm the victim because I'm sure none of us are. They say your family members are the only people you can trust, but really I think they're the only ones you can trust to be hurtful. Others will hurt too, but the family will hurt deliberately and unabashedly. What about love? Some ask. All's well and good with loving families, but there is no love in mine. There is only enmity, distrust, spite, aloofness, respect at best, no warmth where warmth there should be.

I know there are families out there in which parents have marital problems, abusive relationships, hatred for their children. They have it much worse than me. I am sure of that. I still dislike my family because I feel unwelcome here. It's my siblings in particular; it is likely they abhor me as much as I do them. I seem to have made an impression as "judgmental" when I'm pretty certain it's just a discrepancy in perceptions; what is "the passing of judgment" to them is only "neutral offhand commenting" to me--so it seems, from the conversation we just had.

In any case, I know I can be sure I'll be finding no comfort here when I need it. To get a picture of how we are--I have not hugged any of my siblings for literal years, likely a decade or more. Or patted them on the backs or engaged in any show of amiability. I have not comforted any of them for years either; they have not comforted me for years, a decade. When I think on the few times I voiced my woes to my sisters, I only recall accusatory statements being made in answer. Neither of the next two siblings in my family has ever praised me in any aspect. They have only ever had bad, critical, spiteful things to say--about my art, my writing, my music, my appearance, my habits, everything. I believe it is not in their natures to praise those close to them, those from whom praise will not buy benefit.

I'm more than certain they never loved me, and I know I do not love them either. It was a state that we slowly drew into over time; I might recall dimly a time when my siblings and I played together, but that's as far as our "love" went. I hate them; they hate me. That's the agreement we've come to.

trolled sister again, responded as expected

Also, sheesh. She gets so defensive when I make the smallest points about her mistakes! I suppose I do it on purpose though. Trolling! It's like provoking an animal with a stick--risk of bite, but too much fun watching her rile herself up over something I clearly expressed meaning no true spite. Ah, why, why. Do I hate her so?

rant n about my sister

Sister is soooo J. She disapproves of my brother putting scissors on the piano because "it's not a table". Oh it's such a sin.