gasping for air

Heartbreak never was easy. It's always the same, however many times it befalls you. However used you think you are to the pain, it always hits you like nothing you ever expected it to be. It leaves you numb everywhere, shivering but sweating, wondering why the worst possibility was the one that came to fruition. And it fades, so incredibly, excruciatingly slowly, in this meandering manner, into the night, that makes your mouth taste of regret.

It's really quite the same pain as hearing someone shower hate upon a work of art or a written piece, or the same pain as being betrayed by your very best friend--same cold shock, same gut-wrenching disbelief, same confusion at what you did wrong. The same way you invested a part of your soul in something you believed so much in--only to watch it collapse upon you.

You'd think, from all the stories from childhood, that passion and hope are enough to get you what you want, however unlikely. But life just isn't like that. Life winds on, and you don't really matter in the big scheme of things, nor whatever feelings you felt, whatever hopes you hoped, things that you slowly gave too much of yourself to, committed yourself to.

For an idealist like me, it's still as hard to accept that fact, every time I learn it again.

There is a reason to the mad devotion I gave to this hope. It was so thunderous, so raging and so strong, and I was so sure and so desperate about it, that I thought it couldn't go unanswered.

Stop being idealistic. I wish I had learnt my lesson from the past few times.

It's just...this time, I was so sure. I was so blinded. I felt like the luckiest person in the world, to have met someone like...him. And I wanted to hang onto this chance that the world gave me. I thought there was no way I could regret it. I should have realised this would start a lie.

Don't I know? Didn't I just do the same, to someone else, for the same reason, in a similar circumstance?

Life proves as complex as it always has been. I feel it within my capacity to feel happy for him and whomever he will choose, over me. I think I am ready to let go of everything. But then the regret remains, as always--that the closest I came to fulfilling this blazing hope was within a lie we both made for ourselves.

I'm sorry, if you're reading this right now. And to more than one person. If friendship is the best we can do, so be it. I love you enough, in any sense, in every sense, to let everything else go.