Won't lie. Sometimes I'm really happy about it, but sometimes being in a relationship annoys me to no end. Because I feel so...bound. He seems to think it his right to budge in on any and every conversation I have online in public. I no longer get to talk to others without him trying to join in. He needs to be involved in everything I do. I feel like this happens a lot more often with male friends, could just be me. But honestly, I don't have private conversations with anyone, I don't feel comfortable with it, I hold all discussions in public and unfortunately this means this leaves them open to interruptions.

That's not all, it's as if he needs to keep talking to me even when I make it relatively clear I'm not interested to talk. I don't hate him but sometimes talking too much to one person over many years just makes you...sick of it, you know? It could happen with anyone. With my female friends, talking was always a reward, I have few chances to talk, and I rarely seek them out for conversation unless something pertinent demands it. They do the same. This is different. I feel obliged to talk even when I don't feel like it, which is majority of the time. I have felt harassed by less familiar people before. This response is not limited to people I don't know well.

I don't like this. It really bothers me. I feel like I'm being held on a leash. More than anything this has made me regret the relationship, but I know I'm never leaving it so I've resigned myself to just ignoring it when it happens.

I hate my sister so much. I abhor everything about her. I know this is my fault. That I cannot accept a person like her. But I can't survive this, hating a person so much that I think of killing her daily. One day I will snap. I don't want it to happen.

After more than a year living with her, I have come to the conclusion that our current maid is kind of dirty, which results from laxness with chores.

I don't have clear evidence of the fact--maybe the fact that the tables are still oily after she has "cleaned" them, but that's the only clear evidence I have. But well...I began to notice this strange taste late last year, a taste that I began to taste frequently after drinking water from my cup. My cup had just been chipped so I assumed it was the taste of ceramic fragments. But then I began to wake up with that taste in my mouth, and that's when I knew it was bacterial.

It became worse; I tasted it more and more often, and then I began to taste it on my utensils as well. I continued to wake up with it on my breath. The connection dawned on me when I united the two observations: first of the taste, and second of the fact that she is a lazy housekeeper. Recently I've been growing increasingly paranoid about the sort of bacteria that are being allowed to multiply in our environment, but it's such a strange observation I doubt I can get anyone to take me seriously..

Why am I bringing this up now? Because I just drank a cup of tea, and it tasted like a cup of pure, concentrated Taste. And I found a strand of hair stuck to the side that probably belonged to her, because she was the one who made the tea. This worries me immensely.

Sigh. There's technically no detriment to praying even if I don't believe in God. And yet it makes me so angry that I'm being put through these routines against my will. I'm angry that I'm being bullied into it, that my father pushes harder when I refuse, that he is guilt tripping me for not wanting to pray, making me feel like I'm a terrible person for it.

I'm sorry, I just don't believe in God, and all the arguments you use to convince me only fall flat because There are very clear scientific answers to questions like "who created water" and "what makes the earth turn" and "who created life" and I'm sorry that I know them and that you don't. I don't want to tell you the truth, that I know things you don't and that they answer all these questions without "God", because I know religion sustains you, I know what it means, and it's for that reason that I'm trying so hard to conform to your expectations. But I'm so angry because I want it to stop.