Sigh waiting this out is getting pretty tough. I just wish I could make it go away. I shouldn't care at all but I am experiencing jealousy. And jealousy is so much harder to hide. And such a horrible feeling. I don't want to dislike her over something that shouldnt even bother me.

I'll defeat you all. I'll become more famous. I'll be happier with my life. I'll enjoy it more than you. And I hope you don't enjoy yours. I'll prove myself. I'm not worse than you. It'll be my revenge for years of being seen as only mediocre.

I feel unsafe in my own. Around my own sister. How did it come to this?

HOW MANY TIMES do I have to remind myself not to scroll through my friends' Facebook Timelines? It only makes me angry! God. Why don't I have more self control. Do I enjoy making myself angry?

So, it's been about a month. Two to go, if my body behaves as it used to.

just want to be alone with myself...don't want to remember what is to come, don't want to remember that there's anyone else in the world. and want to stop feeling sick. I"m so tired...

I feel terribly unhealthy.

Going through the usual motions, "does he ever notice me" "am I too ugly for consideration" "can he tell I'm looking" "does he like someone else". Even though I have no intention of getting attached. Logically. Of course my attraction wants otherwise.

Thankfully it's all relatively mild. I just hope no one realises before it's gone.

I'll only start friendship-extension efforts after this has cooled down.

Just want to be able to relax and not worry for once.

I want to enjoy something. I want to do something I love without feeling like a terrible person.

Please, please make me hate you.

I want this feeling to go away. More than anything. When I was younger, crushes were nice to have. But now I just go into panic at every inkling of excitement and it's making my life hell. Please, I don't want this to go on. It's torture. And no one has any control over it. Shit.

OK stop, anxiety. It's tough enough as it is dealing with stuff without having an adrenaline rush every five minutes.

Emotionally exhausted...and it's still tuesday...

Dammit traitorous dreams. I went into panic when I woke up. I still feel horrible.

Ok why should I keep quiet about it any longer, I have a crush on a classmate and it's getting very bad and while it is accompanied by the typical positive emotions it's mostly resulting in panic because for so many reasons it's so important that no one realises it until the feelings fade. I'm just living in fear now because it's impossible to control and I'm jist hoping desperately that something changes soon...

I mean, I've got to be terribly selfish to think anyone owes me kindness.

And why do I find it so hard to thank people? Why do I feel GUILTY, ASHAMED when I thank people? As if I were compromising my dignity?

when can I be happy again?

I want to love what I'm doing. Like my friends do. I want to be sure this is the right choice. But I'm none of those things. I'm not happy. I don't love it. I am desperate to run from it all. Why. Why is this the lot I have in life. Perfectly privileged but unable to be happy. what is wrong with me?

Maybe what I need is a good beating. Maybe I just need someone to come and hammer sense into me. Literally if it must be. I need someone to TELL me what there is to love about my life. Damn it.

Hey, just to document it, there's a penknife on the table right now, and I'm just wondering if I'm still afraid to use it on myself. Perhaps today I will finally break that barrier. There's so many things here that I could use to hurt myself. There's scissors. There's sharp objects. There's a whole lot of chemicals outside because of the construction work that's going on.

But my family's burdened enough, they don't need another person to send to hospital.

What am I supposed to do then?

I'm becoming the epitome of self-pitying filth.

Why can't I just love what I have?

But why is there so much I lack, then?

Why do they all have more than I?


What do I have? What do I have that they envy? Why do I feel like the only one who envies anyone else?

another pointless post but

I just cried because I read my friend's status and was so envious.

Yeah look, now I'm blogging every time I cry, wow.

I think I've done the right thing in hiding their posts, whatever it means I'm missing. I can't ask them to change their habits for me, can I? But seeing the things they write is hurting all the same.

Sick of the stock birthday wish "stay pretty". Seriously, girls go around saying "Happy Birthday, stay pretty"??! As if prettiness were a choice, and as if that were the most important thing to wish of a friend? How about "hope you succeed in life"?