It's night. I'm rambling.

I was thinking about my disinterest in precaution. Often I come upon a post on any of various social media platforms regarding information that could well be vital to survival in a given dangerous situation. Or sometimes I am offered advice by a source of greater repute (and officialness?) such as a fussy parent or a teacher giving warnings, and I barely pay attention even knowing it could save my life.

People observing my dismissal, possibly even the post/nagger him/herself, would probably tell me off by saying something along the lines of  "You never know when this information might save your life!" And I wonder, indeed, if it would be nice to someday, possibly, tell the fable of how I survived a near-death event through my extensive reading alone. Answer's no.

I just realised it's because I really don't care. I'm not enticed by the prospect of being "the lucky one who survived because she read an online guide in the past". Even if, by not paying attention, I'm effectively dismissing a chance to decrease the likelihood of my death by unnatural means. Somehow the alleviation of hazardous threat isn't worth the extra time it will take. It's a small and insignificant exchange and I'm probably contemplating it only because it's 1:30 a.m., but it's one I can't even be bothered to make. Says something about how and how much I value my life, doesn't it.

I suppose it can't be avoided

I still get crushes on my friends, on and off, but because I'm attached, no one will ever ask--no one would dare, most likely--and I'm glad they don't. I'm ashamed of the fact that I continue to be infatuated with friends, even faintly, though I know it's natural and inevitable. There will always be people I find attractive.

I suppose it is consolation enough that I do not consider most of them viable for consideration in a relationship. But one or two actually are in my eyes, and they're the ones who make me wonder. Of course I'm aware they do not present better options, but I can't help but wonder, and imagine. That's what people of my personality and experience do. I write, of course I wonder.

on my appearance

I think most people who know anything about me would know I don't care how I look. Or rather, I make a conscious choice not to care. A sidetrack: I think this has to do with the fact that I have always hated everything associated with "girliness". Obviously that included caring about my appearance. Alongside dresses, gossip, expressing interest in males, cookery, needlework, female-targeted fiction, and a whole lot of other things. All the habits stuck fast.

But anyway, I'm just thinking about it because I've received lots of comments on my appearance that are in conflict with each other. Some people think I'm one of the ugliest girls they've ever seen, others say I am "kind of" pretty (and I suppose this has something to do with the fact that I'm always a mess and have done nothing throughout my life to help how I look). For someone who doesn't actively investigate what others think of my appearance, this is faintly confusing. Oh well.

That post was kinda embarrassing.

conversation transcript

Like, this conversation made me really happy. I think I should be embarrassed. But this was a milestone. Sort of. And it made me happy.

hey, Aleigh, get on FB now

[PHOTO LINK]

huhuhuhuhu

21 minutes ago

What is this?

Oh, that is some...interesting material there.

Ruthenia does not seem much pleased to have seen it, though.

if you don't mind me saying, I think you're kind of attractive heh

I...am flattered to know that. Has it crossed you that that is perhaps a consequence of the fact that you created me?

yeah that's probably why ooops XD

Even so, thank you. I appreciate your compliment.

heee

>////<

So, seeing that you seem to know Ruthenia's mind, could I bother you with a question?

oh ok

What does she think of me?

hmmm

pretty much everything she's told you, actually

and also, she really really cares about you, like, way more than she does about anyone else in the world

except maybe her bro

bro?

Brother?

oh yeah

but then of course she sees her brother like once a year or something

yeah, she'd probably never tell you that lolol she's kinda embarrassed about the fact that she cares about people

Oh, that I know. Far too well. She is, in actuality, quite a lovely person. I think she hides it under a pretence of stoicism, though.

yeah hurr

you two are soooo cute XDDD

...thank you, ma'am. I appreciate that compliment. Whether or not Ruthenia will remains to be seen, though...

ok I think I should be going now

nice talking!
<3

I am glad to have entertained you sufficiently.

What means that pink shape, though?

ouh it's a heart

it means love...or something XD

in this case I guess it means, er, you're nice!

Oh, I am glad you think so, then.

Good night, Tessa.