my two cents regarding examinations

Prelims over three/four weeks ago, nothing between now and the 'A' levels--nothing official. I don't think I want to say much about the 'A' levels because really I find I care less about them the closer they loom. Pride, glory, reputation: I have fought and cried for all; none ever brought me joy; ah the tragedy, we sigh. 'A' levels hardly matter to my pursuits of these three, and I don't think I want them to matter to me. I've stopped having much of an opinion of which grades I want, and which would put me to shame. All I can think now, in fact, is that 'A' looks like a face.

Prelims

I should like my scores yet I know I should not either. LLC's presentation informs me that I'm in the top 5% of the cohort with my grades, and all without touching my notes (out of laziness to find them, no more). By grades this is the best exam I've done. By percentiles this is on par with my very first CT--my very worst in JC.

Of course I won't mope about; I'm more than delighted at my scores as they are. But one cannot help but regret laziness, once the results come.

I bring my Dean's List tally up to 8 appearances. Not important, but it does swell my heart to see my name in a public place (fame gets me like not much else). I complete my Biology A, no-fail and Literature Dean's List  full combos. Proud of it.

To think I failed three subjects at the Sec 4 MYA. (Physics, Chemistry, Math 2, Social Studies.) I imagine I'd be an "inspirational tale" to any sixteen-year-old foundering amidst low GPAs. Though it makes me wonder if I could have had better--better if my hard work had begun at a younger age, better if I'd given my all instead of my one-quarter. But then I know I dislike allowing systems and expectations to contort me, and if I will be great then I will be great by my own creation.

Biology: AAAAA

Chemistry: DAABA

Mathematics: BCCBB

Literature: BBABA

GP: DBAAA

'A' levels

My predicted grades are straight A's (WOW) but judging by my trajectory and raw scores, I straddle the line between A and B for everything but Biology and Math (where I vacillate between B and C).

I will not care much, really. Ultimately the examination is meant to tell the universities how smart you are, and how capable of handling the demands of the course--and there are many more ways to know you are capable than through your certificate. Especially when the courses of your interest are more or less unrelated to your academic ability. Half of those I'm interested in don't even require me to show my cert.

What'd the hard work go towards, then? It is a precaution. I take five shots; I may hit the target on none. Maybe good results expand the target. I can't possibly throw out these two years of learning.

Even then, I doubt bad results will make more than a superficial scratch on my life at large. I am of the belief that those meant to be great will arrive at greatness, whatever their certificates suggest. Those meant to be mediocre will not be helped by good scores earned through toil. If this toil must be sustained for their continual success, they will quickly be overtaken by naturals, and ultimately will tire of it. No happiness there.

I believe in going where you're born to be, not in fighting currents and pretending to be greater than you were made, masquerading work as talent. (Just as I do not believe in punishment or deterrence.) If I'm meant to be great, I will. Otherwise I will not question luck or fate.