self-indulgent rant post

I feel inferior and angry for it. But it is a selfish thing, to feel inferior and feel it openly, and even more selfish to tell others of it because it plagues no one else. And I cannot speak of it to anyone--though speaking to the causers of it is unfortunately the only likely way the problem will be solved. I just cannot, and must live with this weight.

(As I have discovered, the best way to deal with it is to write my sentiments down, somewhere where they may potentially be discovered by those whom this concerns, but otherwise cannot be accused of intentionally bringing up a stupid and self-indulgent topic like this for discussion.)

I felt this insecurity come into existence last year, perhaps coinciding with my sudden and strange desire to do well, and succeed academically. Which was spurred by my class, of course. With the consistent praising (both from my classmates and my teachers), I began to think I was that great, that I was that capable, and I want to continue to believe I actually am.

But well, while I ascend to "good at the school level", they go on to be "good at the international level" which completely puts EVERYTHING I have achieved these two years to shame. I no longer feel glad for it, however glad it once made me. I feel so small and inferior and stupid for looking at this tiny mess and thinking it my glory.

Of course it is selfish to tell others to stop acting superior (or simply discussing things that imply superiority in front of me) just because it makes me unhappy, isn't it?

But right now, this is how I feel. All my best friends are acting like part of an exclusive elite club that I am not a part of. I am the only one not a part of it, because everyone else has been to Olympiads, both local and international, and they are constantly and repeatedly making references to experiences they had with fellow competitors and in competition, doing "prac rounds" and "theory rounds" and exalting the competitors who were particularly successful and praising each other and then reciprocating the praise because all of them are certified brilliant and have entitlement to this sense of fraternity amongst themselves. Companions in certified brilliance.

Which is understandable, since all of them are familiar with the experience and the glorification, of course, and have a right to praise each other. Which is why I say it's insufferable of me to have gripes over such a thing.

That is not all. They are constantly discussing their applications to top universities worldwide, and while I have far less of an issue with this, it's still discomfiting when they do because I can say nothing without mentioning the completely dull topic of How I Do Not Aspire Towards Anything Higher Than Local Education Because I See No Need. No one's interested in discussing something like that, and they have nothing to say to encourage me, and nothing to say in empathy either.

Basically I am trapped outside the conversation whenever either of these topics turns up. And in addition to that I must spend that same time brooding over my sickening and pitiful inferiority. And watching other more agreeable friends praise their hearts out regarding how something's impossible for those "without an Olympiad medal" and feeling as if they are casting blanket praises over the entire group. Not realising they don't touch me, of course. And are conversely condemning me.

They all have reasons to feel elite and superior. I do not. I am honestly and absolutely the most untalented and undecorated member of my circle. I simply look lousy beside them. And feel lousy too.

Frankly I am not talented. But I am convinced I am no stupider than they are, whether or not certification speaks of otherwise. That is why it hurts when they behave as if they are superior. I do not want to believe I am inferior. I do not want them to believe I am inferior. I want to believe I am not.


I wonder if they realise I have absolutely nothing to contribute when they go off on conversations like that. Sure I have achievements from times far back that could equal theirs or something, but to bring them up for nothing but the sake of fitting in would be contrived and obviously attempts to bring myself to a level I am not at.

Of course, there's absolutely nothing to praise about me. I'm not a genius, at least to them. I'm not talented. When I "excel" at something, suddenly everyone wants to be better than me at it. While they seem to love each other's talents to death, they don't honour any "talent" I may have. Maybe because I don't have any accolades for them.

They only seem to want to make my "talent" look pitiful. And in part, I think I am afraid to fight this current. I don't want to show off before them, for fear of appearing self-centred, and for fear that they'll try to put it down, as usual, by criticising me instead.

I do want praise. I love praise. Maybe I've made them afraid of praising me, because of how I vehemently deny it each time. Maybe. Maybe my own selfishness and fear of acknowledging them has similarly made them reciprocate by not acknowledging me. I'm terribly sorry, but I really need to know. I don't know what it is about me that makes them hate me so much.

Maybe, too, I've developed immunity to praise. I can think back objectively and remember many times people praised me. But the praise has been coloured by my brain to sound meaningless next to the praise of others. I don't understand it. There's something fundamentally wrong with my mind.


Maybe I do not actually fear inferiority, but something worse, more telling. I fear having fallen behind despite us having been level before.

Or maybe I never was. They all beat my by 10 marks or more at PSLE, didn't they? And I did fall miserably behind in Secondary school, till they were excelling in the high 3.7-3.8s while I languished in 3.0s, didn't I?

Am I stupid or am I merely unwilling to work hard? I want to believe it is the latter--that I willfully chose not to do well. That I could do well if I chose to. But maybe not, because this year, I finally decided to work, and while I know what I'm better and worse then them at, I feel I will forever lie in their shadows for what they have managed at the same time, outside of school boundaries, where I never dared to go all these years.

It extends into my fear of losing friends. Hearing my two best friends speak of each other like soulmates regarding plans that do not include me...breaks me. Especially when these plans regard their university choices, and I know there is no way I will ever be there.

It is all so selfish of me. I'm glad I managed to say it, or at least get it in text, in case I am unable to shape this feeling into words in future and cannot explain it.