I've got this huge insecurity, and I'll be honest about it: I'm terrified whenever I realise that someone's better than me at something I'm told I'm good at. Like, you know, art, or music composition, or writing--usually. I feel angry at myself, maybe jealous, and I feel an intense urge to work really hard at whatever's causing my insecurity until I can prove that I'm better than him/her. I also feel afraid when someone improves a lot, particularly someone who used to look up to me. I feel like I've been "overtaken" by someone who was "more amateur".
I use inverted commas because it's not true. No one can prove that I'm better or worse than anyone. But the hierarchy forms itself automatically in my mind whenever I meet a new artist, and I'll explain later. Every artist is either "someone to look up to and learn from" OR "someone who might want help from me because they're less experienced/skillful". But one thing my mind refuses to do is move people from the latter category to the former. My stupid brain wants to always think of a "junior", an "advisee", as that. You know.
I'm sorry, it makes me sound like a douche. But now, I've been thinking about it a lot, and the fact is that I really need to work out how not to feel this way. And you know, the most important step in solving a problem is to finding out what caused it.
Lots of thinking in the past few months--ever since my realisation that my behaviour lies squarely in the "mentally ill" region--has made me realise that I might know the reason.
Probably a combination of things: constant and repeated discouragement. Harsh criticism on works I was proud of. Too much praise. Too much pride for my work at too early an age. Parental disinterest.
I think it's mostly the first thing. From an early age, from when I started really being serious about my music composition/writing/art shit, they started doing these things to me:
- Every time I showed Sister A my work, she answered simply with "my friend X can draw better than that"/"my friend Y can do better than that, she even has [credentials/accolades/qualifications that I don't have]"
- And she actively approached me--she actually CAME TO ME--to show me her friends' work and tell me all about how much better it was than mine. I guess that's pretty natural to be proud of talented friends, but she made it pretty blatant that the central reason for her approaching me with it was to show me work that was better than mine.
- Sister B has told me to stop recording my songs/singing at home because "it's noise pollution". SHE THINKS MY SINGING VOICE IS NOISE POLLUTION.
- I once entered the same songwriting competition as one of Sister A's friends. Not only did she ignore my entry entirely, she kept telling my parents to vote for her friend's and actually advertised her friend's to me and kept telling me how her friend is doing better than me and other shit that would obviously discouraged me. She spent all that time telling me all about how her friend deserved to win more because she was trying to earn money for her family (and I'm just thinking...why doesn't she teach then, if it's about the money? Isn't that obviously a more stable source of income?)
- Alongside this, she only had bad things to say about my song. As if she's ever had anything good to say about any of my work before.
- Every time my parents played my competition piece out loud, both sisters visibly winced/looked disgusted
- Sister B frequently sings out loud in our room/turns on the radio in our room/etc. but apparently when I sing out loud, it's noisy and horrible to listen to and I have to shut up. Now I try not to sing at home at all.
- The first time I showed my sister an art piece after two years of avoiding showing her anything, all she could say was "why did you draw this?" and no, she wasn't asking for me to make a commentary on my piece. Her tone was one of abhorrence.
- Sister A once read a MapleStory fanfic by someone else in the fandom (note: she's read some of mine before, back when I wasn't so terrified of sharing it). Her only comment, other than "this story is nice", was something along the lines of "the difference between this guy's writing and yours is that his isn't lame". She just called my work "lame". I mean yeah, it does seem lame to me now, but at that time I was really proud of it and she just shot it down like that. I wonder if she's aware of how hurtful it can be to hear that.
- Both sisters have openly called my art "ugly" before. In full sincerity. Not as a playful insult. And conversely, I can't even remember the last time either of them complimented my work. I mean, imagine having family members who refuse to do anything but criticise your work...
- They gaslight me. Now when I tell them that "you're the main reason I'm discouraged about my art/writing/music now", they respond with things like "when did I ever do that?". They also use technicalities of language like "that wasn't an insult, I just meant [literal meaning]", and I know answering with "it was the tone that made it an insult" is something I cannot back up with evidence. They know it. Or maybe I am overreacting. Am I? I'm not sure anymore.
Imagine having to put up with this half your life. And all while you've got an interest in your work that's too great to sacrifice for a few critics. I mean...I'd probably have given up my art if I hadn't had lots of interest in it AND friends who told me my work was actually worth something...
But yeah, I think the root of the problem is the fact that I've received lots and lots of criticism and little praise from the people I thought I could most trust in the world.
Excuse me if this has made me cynical about praise and compliments, and if I find it really hard to be proud of my work now. And if I overreact to criticism. And if I insist on being "the best", which is obviously just an abstraction but which has become an overbearing desire--need in my life.
(Yeah you can make Pokemon Master jokes if you want.)
But I don't know, I really need help. First maybe if you could phrase your criticism nicely...and maybe warn me before you give it. It's triggering. It's triggering. And if you could...maybe address the fact that I have a low self esteem when I seem to reject your compliments. Instead of making me feel as if I'm committing a crime by being unable to accept it. I mean...I know, it makes me look like a douche when I refute your compliments, but I mean...I don't do it because I hate you or because I hate compliments. It's mostly because I feel guilty for accepting compliments.
And also if I act up out of jealousy or insecurity, well...I guess this is the reason I wrote this blogpost too. I'm not trying to be cruel or mean. I'm just really, mortally afraid of being second best, possibly because I spent my entire life having my work compared to people I'd never met before. And I'm trying to ease myself out of this state. And it's taking so long and I don't think it's the sort of thing that's solved with an epiphany.
Yeah.
