I hate how my grandmother looks at me when she makes a request of me, and how she voices her instruction. She intones it it like an order. She looks at me like a servant. I'm not a slave and you don't have to speak as if to intimidate me. You are not the wisest in this house nor the one most deserving of respect.

And can I do anything about it? Being weird. Liking birds. Being ugly. Not combing my hair daily. Dressing like the androgyne I am. Dressing badly. Not bothering. Being Narcissistic. Having no control over myself when I'm angry or in panic. Having anxiety-related issues. Not being able to hold myself with confidence because I'm afraid everyone hates me. Or does everyone actually hate me?

So much self-awareness, when one is a horrible person, is possibly the worst thing one can have.

my class...again

I feel like my class has been excluding me. I am, in fact, reasonably sure that this feeling of exclusion isn't imagined.

They don't reply to my messages on the Whatsapp group unless they are work-related inquiries. And when I say things in class, no one cares. Maybe I've been talking too much in class. Maybe I've been too open about how much I hate my work. Maybe there's something unappealing about that. Maybe they think I'm elitist. On top of this, I'm ugly, awkward and terrible at "being cool". And my weirdness isn't the appealing sort that media loves to represent. It's the sort that makes you feel like turning your nose up at me because it's nigh impossible to start a normal conversation with me.

Yeah, it's just too bad I haven't got the same interests as them. That I'm an atypical female with no interest in how I look, and with tastes greatly deviating from everyone else's. And maybe I'm too proud. Maybe it's because I'm not straight! Maybe I should have lain low. I should have. I wish it weren't in my nature to be outgoing right off the bat and then hunker down and never return when I realise no one likes me.

This is the first time I've felt absolutely, completely excluded. Before this I had my friends from primary school with me; this is the first time I've been surrounded by a completely new group of friends and had to recreate my social circle from scratch. And I've become absolutely inept at doing so.

I think my class doesn't like me. But then, when has any class ever liked me?

People don't like me because I'm ugly and weird. I may consider myself above such prejudice but I cannot expect others to be. And given these are people who clearly value style over substance I imagine they are more judgmental in this respect than any group of friends I have known before.

I should just lay low. No degree of geniality or sociability is going to change the fact that they don't like me and can't like me because my face looks like shit and because my behaviour doesn't fit into the mould of perceived normality.