Much as I want to lose myself in the moment, I know when the stakes are too high.
I will be happy at whatever cost--to heck with my studies and my "future".
I would love to think that way. I can't, I know. This is the sort of folly that everyone will sigh piteously at when the time comes, and I'm foundering in my bottom-end job in a dark place I hated long before I came.
"What was she thinking, giving so much away?"
It is not folly, the Me of now wants to answer. But I know I am silly and young, and I know those lessons that everyone tells, over and over.
"Future" is a huge word.
My heart might cry out against it, but I know, somehow, that no matter how happy it makes me now, I will come to regret eventually.
Delayed gratification. I have heard tales that the ability to postpone satisfaction is the mark of someone successful. And I do wonder if I want to be successful, if it means I'll be unhappy more than 90% of the time. But then, I think I'll take the suffering of now better than the suffering of next year.
A large part of living is learning to balance everything, and I suppose this is where the test of living lies. I'll save my happiness for later, if wait I can. I'm patient enough to wait, I believe.
Doing a PW consultation summary, distractedly.
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