the loop is closed

Here we go again. Yet again.

Going one circle so I can learn again what I thought I'd learnt before. Finding these problems just as unprecedented every time, and at the same time knowing that this is just a great wheel, turning.

And here I am, using and reusing the same metaphors. All over again. Half a year, and nothing has changed.

perhaps you do not realise how much my heart hurts with every word you're saying.

Sometimes I condemn the person I am, the circumstances I have been subject to, the inevitability of things I dread. I used to take pride in being different and strange and abnormal--but I realise now that there are real, biological reasons for the majority's hate for unnaturalness.

How I wish I weren't genophobic or tokophobic. It'd save me all these misgiving. We all know, some way, that life exists for itself--to reproduce, only concerned as far as the next generation. The pounding dogma of life--the viruses destroying to create themselves, the mayfly in his first and last flight-dance, the baby cuckoo murdering the unhatched wren.

Does being unable, unwilling, to have sex and to give birth make me any less of a human being?

Then it's emotional too, because never mind how my future will look--will I ever be a wife? Will I ever let myself? Will I ever let myself burden a man that way?

not expected

There's this thing called a crush, that kind of short-lived romantic fancy that one has for another for a day to a week, that quickly vanishes to be replaced when a more fascinating person comes along. Everyone knows these silly, irrational little feelings. But being in love isn't no longer having these crushes. It's still having them, and yet knowing that none of them can compare to real love.

I'm starting to *gasp* care about my appearance. It's noticeable, though quite pathetic if I could say so myself. And not because I've grown any vainer or any more conscious of my self-image, mind you. I'm concerned about what implications my unkemptness and ugliness might have on someone else. The questions and sniggers and snide remarks they'd have to tolerate because of me, yet outside of my presence.

I guess there's no changing things like who-I-am, but I might as well try because it guilts me so that I could be shaming someone by being this way.

frozen

I like to think the best of people.

Even so, it is unfathomable to me how you can be as cruel as you are. You are not soulless. You seem to understand better than others. And yet you choose villainy, as if you've given up on the worth of goodness.

Understandable. But is it necessary? I'm sure it's in you, around you, somewhere--a reason to walk the other way.

to a more favourable location

The tagboard has moved back here, because it seems no one can see it when it's on a different page.

Or maybe no one tags when they visit.

All I know is that my hit count is waaaaay higher than my tag count.

Which points to a high incidence of stalking, or blogwalking on my blog.
Or yeah, that. That no one can see my tagboard.
Whichi s why it's moved back here.

departure gate

A bit of poetry that makes me sound a lot sadder than I actually am.

through airport gates, a flail of wind
that chases leaves down corridors
these rose-white sheaves of love were pinned
upon a noticeboard before


and here i watch departing planes
locked in by glassy skylight slats
of everlasting song refrains
and raindrops streaking rivulets


across my face. without a sigh
your smile has fled; a dream can't die.
your wings are spread, eternity
rests in your shadow. it's goodbye.


it's goodbye now, through airport gates.

past sunset

Well here I am blogging at my favourite haunt outside RI(JC)'s general office at 7.45 pm when the sun has set upon our white/green walls. I'm not often in school this late, and it amazes me how scenic the school is at night. Not ostentatious, but so picturesque in its little elements, how they come together.

I do wonder if dinner will still be warm when I arrive home. But then it always is; all the better for the stomach that I'm currently torturing with denial of nourishment. D:

The dark pavements are ever so beautiful. Even more so, knowing that I walk the same pavements in the day. Tomorrow will be lonely, but then it always is, isn't it.

I suppose I shall go now. It's ten to 8.

(feeling calmly submitted today,)

:'(

I don't want to say goodbye.

future alone

So long to wait, so far to go.

There's the humanity in me, snatching at some semblance of control over it all.

Funny thinking back upon the past and realising that that used to be the future you knew nothing of and could only hope for the best for.

Someday, the future you now peer forth into will be the past you gaze back upon.

It makes me feel a little sad. Just a little. I'm learning.

I wonder how the echoes of my voice will sound in an empty house--white walls, varnished tables, so much space.

oh god.

Think about this:
Hydrogen reacts with oxygen...
Entropy increases or decreases?
G increases or decreases?
And what about H?
Molecular description of reaction mechanism varies?
Ea high or low?


- Huynh Cong Bang, on Zhang Hui Ting's wall.


Just had to repost it. And I wish I could get hold of his SMS with weird capitals too.
for those who didn't work it out, look at the first letter of each line.

don't close your eyes

It's surprising how silly nightmares begin to sound, when you try to describe them to someone else. And you just swear that at the point when you were dreaming them, they were the downright freakiest things you had ever thought up...

So basically I had this nightmare last night: We were trying to observe the symbiosis between a species of caterpillar and a species of sunbird in captivity, so we got ourselves a pair of each animal and put them in an enclosure together with a tree. Some time passed, and good thing was, the birds reproduced......but bad thing, so did the caterpillars. I saw butterflies laying eggs in one "scene" and at the next......all the eggs were hatching, and the caterpillars were all over the place, devouring the leaves of the tree......and there was nowhere you could look without seeing caterpillars......and the baby bird fell sick because of the caterpillars, it would seem. Urrrghhhh I'm sure everyone knows I have a phobia of things that multiply/grow fast and suddenly. And now I also have a phobia of caterpillars. :S

sides

I can't help the feeling my life was changed today. I guess it takes a lot of shock for the catalysis of something like this.

Some people are extremely interesting, unpredictably strange. You don't quite know what they think of you, and when and whether they are lying. When and whether they have passed a compliment under your radar. But then I feel like I was both insulted and complimented today, simultaneously.

I don't quite like you, but I don't dislike you either. You're the kind of person I far prefer to have as a friend, because it's too frightening to imagine you as an enemy.

turn away

You proved my point precisely. I'm not worth it, am I? Not worth your time. Not worth your consideration. Not enough such that you'd try to help. I'm sorry for being a bitter person.

You sound sad, and sadder everyday. Are you sure this is what you want, where you want to be?

i noticed...

I just noticed that life seems to have become extremely eventful this year. Half a year past, and I have written more blogposts than I did for the entirety of last year.

life in song

If there's any language I'd call my mother tongue, it is music. That is the language I grew up learning and using. That is the language that I feel proudest to know. Music took up the place that this other grafted mother tongue was supposed to occupy.

I wish my parents would stop trying to rectify a mistake they made a decade too long ago.

significant

I live for little moments like these, the ones that really matter even though they seem of so little significance. The moments we always miss for the sake of something so obstructively near, that brusquely declares itself the only reason our lives will mean anything.

It may seem that small, joyous moments of pre-adulthood are born of ignorant foolishness, but really I think they're the last hints of true happiness we will ever have a chance to hold. I have a feeling they'll be the moments I'll treasure most, once I've moved on into the next place.

i wonder

The darkness came in steps, in phases, in cycles.

Now I wonder when the change first came, when I first fell into the dark. Three years ago? Seven years ago? Maybe it was scripted to happen, the way I was made, the way I am. Was it the day I learnt that I could create? Was it the day I began to believe, the reason I lived was to create and annihilate? My life became art and art became my life, and I suppose the cruel duality of hate and love, that came when I tied myself to it, will haunt me in my blood and bones forever. Is it the day I learnt what 'death' is, and 'hopelessness'? Was it the day I realised that I had the power to destroy myself?

I wonder when my will was defeated so. Will to live for anything else. Will to trust myself. Will to be.

Perhaps life back then, however unimaginably torturous it seemed, will always be better than life in the recent years that have just passed and fled. At least, then, I knew how to know when I was happy, how to be happy, how to hold onto it. Certain perfumes and aromas remind me of the red arches and the gardens a little too small, among which--I taught a friend a song under a staircase, I lost a thumbdrive, I gazed at a bent-tailed fish, I played a game I've completely forgotten.

I wonder where that happiness, that happiness in storybooks past, has gone. I wonder when I stopped loving the snow. I guess it all happened the day I grew up.

At certain checkpoints in my life, I pause, and begin to think: that I'm a little sadder now than I was before. I think to myself that I won't ever return to the way I was when I was six. Sadder and sadder, year by year. A one way road I would never walk again. Turning back with rue and nostalgia. Wishing my happiness goodbye, as if it would never return.

But now this is strange, and I never expected it. I wonder why I feel as if a darkness has lifted from my life, a darkness I didn't even realise existed till now. I wonder why I feel happier today, than I have for the last seven years of my life.

I never realised that my happiness had vanished, until I found it again.

laaaa

ahh <3 suspensions...IsusII! IVsusV!!!
7th chords! 9th chords! <3<3<3

the eighth day

Sorry, this is horribly late, but well, here at last.


Day 8: Three favorite Cartoon Characters


That includes anime, yes? Also includes 3D animation, yes?


1. Maya Wei from Oban Star Racers. Mainly because she died the most tragic way imaginable, as a stepping stone of fate, and yet went to her death with a smile, a sign, that she would be alright. Even if she never would be. It's all we see of her, really. That, and her daughter's constant memory of the mother she seems to admire and love so much.


2. Toph Bei Fong from Avatar: The Last Airbender. She is the personification of unseen (pun not intended!), invisible power. So hard to shake, so immensely powerful within her own fragility. Twelve-year-old girls are the last people you would suspect of being the best Earthbenders in the world. Also, prodigies FTW!!!


3. Shen from Kung Fu Panda 2. OH MAII. The most beautiful, awe-inspiring villain I have ever seen. A peacock who is deadly with a spear...a tragic backstory that involved his parents......who could ask for more... <3

note.

No, the previous post was not about a breakup. Because too many people have been asking if it was.