I hate how my grandmother looks at me when she makes a request of me, and how she voices her instruction. She intones it it like an order. She looks at me like a servant. I'm not a slave and you don't have to speak as if to intimidate me. You are not the wisest in this house nor the one most deserving of respect.

And can I do anything about it? Being weird. Liking birds. Being ugly. Not combing my hair daily. Dressing like the androgyne I am. Dressing badly. Not bothering. Being Narcissistic. Having no control over myself when I'm angry or in panic. Having anxiety-related issues. Not being able to hold myself with confidence because I'm afraid everyone hates me. Or does everyone actually hate me?

So much self-awareness, when one is a horrible person, is possibly the worst thing one can have.

my class...again

I feel like my class has been excluding me. I am, in fact, reasonably sure that this feeling of exclusion isn't imagined.

They don't reply to my messages on the Whatsapp group unless they are work-related inquiries. And when I say things in class, no one cares. Maybe I've been talking too much in class. Maybe I've been too open about how much I hate my work. Maybe there's something unappealing about that. Maybe they think I'm elitist. On top of this, I'm ugly, awkward and terrible at "being cool". And my weirdness isn't the appealing sort that media loves to represent. It's the sort that makes you feel like turning your nose up at me because it's nigh impossible to start a normal conversation with me.

Yeah, it's just too bad I haven't got the same interests as them. That I'm an atypical female with no interest in how I look, and with tastes greatly deviating from everyone else's. And maybe I'm too proud. Maybe it's because I'm not straight! Maybe I should have lain low. I should have. I wish it weren't in my nature to be outgoing right off the bat and then hunker down and never return when I realise no one likes me.

This is the first time I've felt absolutely, completely excluded. Before this I had my friends from primary school with me; this is the first time I've been surrounded by a completely new group of friends and had to recreate my social circle from scratch. And I've become absolutely inept at doing so.

I think my class doesn't like me. But then, when has any class ever liked me?

People don't like me because I'm ugly and weird. I may consider myself above such prejudice but I cannot expect others to be. And given these are people who clearly value style over substance I imagine they are more judgmental in this respect than any group of friends I have known before.

I should just lay low. No degree of geniality or sociability is going to change the fact that they don't like me and can't like me because my face looks like shit and because my behaviour doesn't fit into the mould of perceived normality.

Sigh waiting this out is getting pretty tough. I just wish I could make it go away. I shouldn't care at all but I am experiencing jealousy. And jealousy is so much harder to hide. And such a horrible feeling. I don't want to dislike her over something that shouldnt even bother me.

I'll defeat you all. I'll become more famous. I'll be happier with my life. I'll enjoy it more than you. And I hope you don't enjoy yours. I'll prove myself. I'm not worse than you. It'll be my revenge for years of being seen as only mediocre.

I feel unsafe in my own. Around my own sister. How did it come to this?

HOW MANY TIMES do I have to remind myself not to scroll through my friends' Facebook Timelines? It only makes me angry! God. Why don't I have more self control. Do I enjoy making myself angry?

So, it's been about a month. Two to go, if my body behaves as it used to.

just want to be alone with myself...don't want to remember what is to come, don't want to remember that there's anyone else in the world. and want to stop feeling sick. I"m so tired...

I feel terribly unhealthy.

Going through the usual motions, "does he ever notice me" "am I too ugly for consideration" "can he tell I'm looking" "does he like someone else". Even though I have no intention of getting attached. Logically. Of course my attraction wants otherwise.

Thankfully it's all relatively mild. I just hope no one realises before it's gone.

I'll only start friendship-extension efforts after this has cooled down.

Just want to be able to relax and not worry for once.

I want to enjoy something. I want to do something I love without feeling like a terrible person.

Please, please make me hate you.