:(

It's not that I want to be difficult. I hate being difficult. I just honestly care what you think. I wish you wouldn't hurt me through my need.

I wish I could desensitise myself to it. But I care, and I can do nothing about that fact.

the story that has taken too long

It's unbelievable, how fast things change. All it took was a shift--a huge shift maybe, one that wrecked the foundations and tossed them to the wind. Or maybe a rope snapping me back to sad reality after my half-dreamed sojourn during the last four years of my life. But it was a simple transplantation, into a new environment. And everything scattered. Suddenly, I'm falling faster than I can build. Things I built dams against while I was in the haven of secondary school, so sadly deljded into believing that was the perigee of my life. Well, I shifted away. Dove forward fully certain that it could be no deeper, no colder. And the barricade against the torrent has shattered, splinters and stars. I'm caught in the rush sooner than I can even prepare myself for, the rage all the truths I chose to stem when the current was low. There's no way to save myself. I find myself falling too fast into the vague shadow beyond the shelf, a drop steeper than I anticipated. Suddenly I'm drowning. I cannot believe how heavy my heart has grown since the onset of the unofficial school term. Everything hurts. It seems wrong, but like arrows I can't push them away, only wait for them to strike. Future. Something I made a rule to forget. Where will that sustenance come from? What will I fill the hours of my later life with, and for every hour of work, how many hours of living can I sustain? Something I was sure I didn't need to concern myself with. I was certain that as long as I loved what I did and did it well, there was nothing to 'future'. Just another section of 'now', appended and lived as I would live the 'now'. I thought it'd be that easy. It happened, didn't it? The truth of the world struck me, the way it struck my friends four years ago. The same reality I should have feared from the start. And now I wonder, what have I done? Have I sunken too deep to be saved? I'm scared. I'm not sure I can do what I want with what I love, anymore. The false hope shatters and I am left among its shards. A little like the first snow. --- And the things I do. Rejected doubly for one of the three loves of my life, the passion that I wished so hard I could pursue. Inspiration snuffed out by the flood of fear. Future. Did I care? Was that why my mind flowed? Now I'm out of that illusory world, and now the flame has died. I've grown so afraid, thus, of being brought down. I've been praised one too many times for 'talent'. It's warped me. Now I think I'm amazing. Now I think I cannot make mistakes! I'm afraid of falling behind, so afraid that I get chills and cold stomach aches and, recently, whole-body spasms when I see a friend at work at something I always believed myself superior at. Afraid that someone will show themselves to be better. This sense of superiority is just wrong, and I'm certain it is. But it's there, there whether I want it or not. I don't want to feel like I have to be the best. That everyone's out to get me. That everyone's plotting my downfall. I have barely anything to begin with. Why do I believe myself what I seem to: a porcelain queen on a throne of jewels with enemies and a thousand agents seeking to tear her down? I'm a magpie who nests on the most fragile branch. Edgy, paranoid, suspicious. Because all it takes is the weight of another, even another of my own kind, to send my entire flimsy world tumbling through the bushes below. Losing me all my treasures. How does that relate to my new environment? Simply put, there are more people around me waiting to topple my nest now. It's grown worse. The cohort has doubled in size. And so much more is expected of me. Twice as many enemies, twice as much to lose. I'm fading already, and I can feel it. Fading into the grey of normality. Even the fireworks die. The flowers wilt, ready to give way to the bloom of others. Not helped by the fact that I was rejected for art in favour of seven hallowed people whom I'm certain are better than me, but whom I'm afraid will be viewed as dire enemies from now onwards. --- Alright, so life has begun. And I'm already hating Orientation. To cut it very short, I hate feeling forced to make friends. Sure it'll be fun, but letting myself enjoy is letting them dictate. I'm sincerely sorry that it had to be vented on someone. I didn't want to reveal my sadness. But, well, the line was crossed somewhere. The loud noise and sleeplessness night before didn't help. The pressure was too much. I never knew I was so antisocial. But then, I think it's a change that came with my arrival in this new school. --- Guys. Oh, the root of so many problems. Life and fate and biology are cruel. Partly because it forces us to think of the guys as counterparts. Matches. Partners. Partly because our intelligence allows some members of the species to choose to contest this decree. It's no secret I'm interested in guys (and why is this a big deal when almost everyone else seems ready to squeal about favourite movie stars?)(and I would even go so far as to say that I get interested in girls when they're masculine enough). And very volatile, very vulnerable to infatuation. My rules with fictional males don't apply completely to real life. In real life, it's so much easier to snatch my interest. Be at least passable-looking. Chances raised if you look good. Show just a hint, even unintentionally, that you're interested in me. And blam, I blow it out of proportion. I make huge mistakes. Horrible mistakes. It's a wonder I haven't had my heart broken yet. Anyway, guys are part of the reason I've come to hate this Orientation--and the contrived attempts to force us closer together. The fact that not everyone wants to associate with this sort of male that you find so commonly in my OG. The fact that, well, my OG is full of utterly unappealing guys. Unappealing = tall, manly, sporty, smelly, nonchalant and the sad fact is, 70% of guys are like that. And then again, maybe not that. Maybe I'm unable to give in to enjoyment, unable to open up to these guys because...I have my attentions elsewhere. Something crazy happened. Crazy in a good way. I won't admit anything here, but anyone can guess. Things like this tide over pretty quickly. Give it a month or two. But here I am trapped anyway. It makes life so hard. Every success is brilliant. Every fall heartbreaking. Even silence is horrible. I'm real rubbish at handling my actions when they're emotionally driven. Everyone knows that. And this is one of the most inebriating emotions of all. Thus my life is worsened threefold. Guh. --- Friendships. Do you know I'm prone to jealousy? Well, if the previous sections didn't alert you to that fact, here it is again. Do you know how it feels, standing behind the bars of a gate you wrought together with someone else--a gate that was the manifesto of your friendship--a gate that has suddenly turned traitor? Do you know how it feels to stand and watch, helplessly, as your closest friends, the ones you called 'best friends' and whom you know you will never find again, drift into the arms of others? It's how I feel, so often. I'm so sensitive. It hurts. When I see my friends find new friends, be it through separation from me and intermingling with other groups or otherwise, it begins to take root. I try to feel happy for them. I smile a mask for them. I try to befriend them too. But then they begin to share jokes and laugh together the way I thought was sacred to the two of us only, it becomes a thorn. I try not to think about it. But it's an undercurrent that changes the way I act. It began for me early last year, and I've wanted so often to admit how I feel about this. But I can't, because it feels far too wrong. I cannot hurt her, hurt either of them. Part because I don't want to dig myself deeper, push her further away than she's already gone with mistrust. And part because I know it's her choice. So I live without a word. I have lived like this till now. Afraid of the loss, but afraid of my own shadow. Speaking my fear is half the battle won, half the battle lost. I will wish them well if they will leave my harbour, and I will wish the wind for them. I'm still waiting, still afraid. --- If you've gotten here, that means that you've read more than 70% of my most secret sentiments. It took a lot to put it down, so don't misuse. Don't mention. Don't tell me you read. Don't tell anyone. You can know, for all I care. Just don't use it against me. If this changes the way you view me, I'm sorry I never told the truth. It was just too horrible, too embarrassing. I don't know what I risk by taking off my mask. But I think the lie has gone on long enough. A word, and this post vanishes.

number one 2010

CALIFORNIA GURLS IS NUMBER ONE

MY DREAM COMES TRUE

YES
YEEEEEESSSSSSSS
LOVE YOU KATY PERRY

the seventh day

Day 7: Four Songs That Describe Your Life Right Now


I can't exactly put the songs here...so I'll have snippets of lyrics.


1. "So if you care to find me, look to the western sky! 
As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!" 
And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free 
To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me--
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity

I'm flying high 
Defying gravity" - Defying Gravity, Wicked

2. "You've got opinions, man

Everyone's entitled to 'em

But I never asked

So I'll thank you for your time

And try not to waste anymore of mine

Get out of here, fast

I hate to break it to you, babe, but I'm not drowning

There is no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree? You are not me

Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?" - King of Anything, Sara Bareilles

3. "On the hills of lore and wonder

There's a stormy world up there

You can't whisper above the thunder

But you can fly anywhere

Purple burst of paper birds, this

Picture paints a thousand words

So take a breath of myth and mystery

And don't look back" - To the Sky, Owl City

4. "Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night, like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" as you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!", you're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own" - Firework, Katy Perry

the epic 100

As before, I have my yearly fixture of 987 Top 100 Countdown. We're at 19 (OMG by Usher), and so far, three Adam Lambert and two Owl City things have passed. One more Adam Lambert song to go 8D I'm wondering if there's anymore Owl City, though...sort of sad that he no longer has anything as high as Fireflies.

...

Well, now we're at 13, and it happens to be Telephone by Lady Gaga and Beyonce--I love this song! Why wasn't it higher? Well, 13's not bad. But this is really my favourite of Gaga's songs :D

I will probably close my post at this point, and blog about it again at the end--otherwise it'll get rambly.

Brb, browsing Inception memes 8D

the sixth day

Day 6: Five Things You Can Eat Everyday


I'm not an eater at heart, though I'll try my best.


1. Bread. Because I do eat it everyday.
2. Rock melon. My favourite fruit of all time--nope, not the mango, not the watermelon, not even the ever-popular apple. Rock melons rock.
3. Honey O's. The breakfast cereal. Best I've ever tasted.
4. Mashed potato. Everyday. Because it wins over whole unmashed potatoes so much.
5. Waffles. Oh, I miss those guys.

the fifth day

Day 5: Six of Your Favorite Books


Sorry, I forgot about this after my long holiday.
Oh, yes.


1. Flora's Dare. And its prequel. The history, the politics, the locations, the sheer imagery, the colours, the twists, the themes, the echoes, the makeup, the clothes designs, the characters. Oh, the characters. I could read this all day (I actually did).


2. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Together with its two fellows: half the epic in the world packed into less than a kilogram.


3. The Hunger Games. Again with its two fellows: I finished all 1,200 pages in two days. 48 hours. That's how much it captured me. The politics, the pain, the reality of it all. The fire and the songs. If anything, this captured me deeper than any other book I've ever read. Whether or not it's my favourite.


4. Time Ghost. A memory full of tears. Circling time. Paradoxes and dodging them. The birds that have returned. It was been my favourite book for a good three years (until I read the above three this year).


5. Artemis Fowl and the Eternity Code. Because Eoin Colfer knows how to tangle an immensely complex chessmaster contest plot up to the point of despairing the reader--and then proceed to straighten it perfectly out by the end. This installment was particularly divinely ingenious.


6. The Castle of Dark. I've read it three times through, which makes it my third most-read book. The images and strong theme of dark and light and the blurring in between was just...just amazing.

the fourth day

Day 4: Seven People Who Inspire You, and Why?


I'll take this question to mean my idols--because if it were about inspiring friends, there'd be no end to this list.


1. Whoever composed the MapleStory OST: No body of music has singlehandedly transformed me the way this has. Every single one of these 200-odd works has shaped me, my art and my life in some way or another. Whoever was responsible, please please please stop hiding in anonymity. I'd list you as my number one idol of all time.


2. Yan Wenqing/yuumei (artist on deviantART): Her pain inspires her art. She might be suffering, but her art is true to herself. And she's utterly talented. To be able to hold on to this even beneath the stress of reality is purely inspiring.


3. Michael Giacchino (composer): His words at the 2010 Oscars, when he won, were what kept my dream of becoming a film score composer alive.


4. J.R.R. Tolkien (author): The master of world-creation. He gives me hope, in the influence that an imaginary place, an imaginary story, can have upon events in the real world. Never before has creation made so much sense to me.


5. Adam Young/Owl City (singer/songwriter): Who doesn't love his story? He makes me believe, both through his story and his songs, that the possibilities are limitless within creativity.


6. Grace Guo: The only person here who is remotely likely to read this. Her works have taught me how to bring colours and tastes and music into my writing.


7. Kal Ancalas (author on FanFiction.net): He was my idol back in the days when I was starting in the MapleStory archive. He made me realise that I wanted to write sad stories. I'm glad I did that, instead of going the generic-kid-on-adventure-with-prophecy-to-save-the-world way.

the third day

Day 3: Eight Places You Want To Visit


1. Seville, Spain. My co-favourite composer Turina wrote some of the most amazing music about this place, his hometown. Only a breathtaking place could inspire such music.


2. Tokyo, Japan. Because that's where Akiabara is. And because I shall see the actual 地下鉄 in our textbooks. And because it's in Japan. If anything, it'd be the reason I learnt Japanese for three years.


3. Anywhere in Australia. I lived there for a year of my life, and I miss it like my home (and it's been ten years).


4. Los Angeles, USA. Because it just sounds so darned good. My favourite fantasy author's story setting is a steampunk parallel of LA--if it's that good, then I've got to see it.


5. Paris, France. Goodness, I've wanted to as long as I've known the name of that place. "Paris" is always accompanied by a description, a picture, a story of some kind. Never a name spoken on its own.


6. Mallorca, Menorca or Ibiza, Spain. I've read great things about their cultural diversity and their seaside scenery. Plus, Ibiza architecture is awesome.


7. London, England. You can't deny that literature and popular culture has made it sound like a very respectable, charming place. And the train stations, oh the train stations. I need to see those.


8. THE BATHROOM. NOW. ><

tagboard

...has moved to one of my blog pages. The link is on the right, somewhere.

as is obligatory

Unfortunately, I will be in Malaysia for the next week or so, and hence I will not be able to finish the ten day meme in the allotted time. Whoops.

My maternal grandmother's turning 80, and there will be a big dinner for that.

We're leaving at 7 am tomorrow morning, so I will leave now. It's late.

the second day

Day 2: Nine Things You Can’t Live Without


Fascinating, fascinating, wonderful question. I won't take it literally, because where's the fun?


1. A computer.
2. Paper and stationery.
3. Music.
4. A home.
5. A window to the sky.
6. Creating something.
7. People to share my creations with.
8. Loving someone.
9. A dream, a desire, something I don't like about this time, this world.

the first day

Day 1: Ten Things You Wanted/Want To Be When You’re Older

I think this prompt leaves you the space to list multiple desires, even if you can only have one. So I'll go ahead and list. "Wanted", after all.

1. Somewhere far off, far high, I dream of being a crazy pop star--wearing whatever I want, performing my heart bare and waiting for people to rip it open, sparking flames and dreams, crying behind a locked door because they won't leave me alone. I will die young. I will die chained; it doesn't matter. I will die free.

2. Most recently, I had an image of myself designing things that actually exist. No more people who breathe paper. Something that I will actually walk within. I come to realise I very much want to be an architect--even though it's never once struck me before.

3. Right now, my grandest, most deeply-rooted and most hopeful dream is to be a film score composer. You'll have to pin that ambition on Michael Giacchino, composer of the Up soundtrack.

4. A secondary dream beneath the film score dream, would be that of game background music composition. And possibly the most feasible, because I (very much to my own disgust) fancy myself at a sufficient standard. Go ahead, shoot me.

5. The original music dream was songwriter. But I think that was killed when I realised: I don't know the name of any songwriter unless he/she sings his/her own songs. This evolved into ambition 1.

6. When I started writing, I felt like I could go anywhere with it. Maybe it's true; I wanted to write for a living. But reality is such a terrible thing sometimes. Novelists don't get anywhere without another job around.

7. There is this deep-rooted love for birds in me, and maybe being an ornithologist wouldn't make me happy. But there's nothing in me that seems to point remotely in that direction.

8. Back in the times when I drew only Pokemon that you couldn't tell were Pokemon, I dreamt of being an artist and selling my works for thousands.

9. If I'm not wrong, my very first dream was to be a veterinarian. I buried that dream, right where it should stay.It's gone. When you're young, you're stupid. It's gone.

10. I want to be remembered. Leave a mark. Have my name spoken at least twenty generations, until we vanish forever. Then I will be nothing: and wanting to be nothing, though the wisest thing to aspire towards, never happens.

the prize of the sword

I am astounded.

Today, I found a novelette I completely forgot existed. It's probably a full 200 novel pages long by estimate, and took maybe three months of my life to write. And I forgot it existed.


How it happened: today I was listening half-attentively to Power Rangers on TV, thinking about MacGuffins (this triggered by Power Rangers, no less), and about how stories about those are so common. Then because I've been thinking about the Hunger Games so much, I wondered what would happen if the plot had gone a different way--if the game had been about finding a small object in a vast place and fighting for it, instead.

At that point, a bell rang, like I'd heard that plot somewhere before.

Then I realised that I'd written that plot before. And four months before Hunger Games was published--so I probably didn't get the idea from there, or from any ambient discussions regarding that.

In fact, no, I remember where the idea came from. It was from Oban Star-Racers.

The novel is about a girl named Maisha (oh GOODNESS) from a broken family of gardeners. She enters a tournament of six nations, where the prize is anything you want (now why are the bells ringing?), and consists of an elimination round as described above (finding an object) that narrows the competition pool from a thousand to sixty-four. Then they go fighting one-on-one, and more often than not, murder is victory.

I just thought the idea of competition at the heart of a story was nice, no, awesome. Triggered by the wonderful-ness of OSR, no less.

The Prize of the Sword, the title I gave it. I see why I can't remember it. Oh goodness.

I think another part of the reason it slipped from my memory is that I never let anyone read it. Trash stuff.

I think it needs a new title. Badly.

the ten day game

The bandwagon has been waiting at my gate for a long, long time. :B


Day 1: Ten Things You Wanted/Want To Be When You’re Older
Day 2: Nine Things You Can’t Live Without
Day 3: Eight Places You Want To Visit
Day 4: Seven People Who Inspire You, and Why?
Day 5: Six of Your Favorite Books
Day 6: Five Things You Can Eat Everyday
Day 7: Four Songs That Describe Your Life Right Now
Day 8: Three favorite Cartoon Characters
Day 9: Two Movies You Absolutely Love
Day 10: One Quote That Describes Your Life Right Now