wish me luck

So much changed this week. Well...so much changes every week. It's just this time, life has changed in a way I never thought it would. This is uncharted territory. I'm going into it blind.

poison

Another night of lying to myself.
Another night of not knowing if I'm chasing nothing.
I know this is poison, but I love it too much to stop.

this is frustrating.

Some people just can't tell when they're intruding. Some people just insist on being oblivious. Or disguising purpose with oblivion.

pattern

Let's stop being indirect. I am hating my life right now. Absolutely hating it.

At one point, I thought I could love it. That was when I was new to JC and everything was sparkly and novel and fascinating. Now I'm used to it. It's become cyclic and tiring. And it's so futile. At the end of each week, I only come to the realisation that there is yet another week beginning tomorrow: another week of fighting to meet expectations, another week of keeping away from people I'll never like, another week of having my heart broken and then mended to be broken again. Always the same.

And every time I finish a piece of homework, finish a part of a project, I cannot feel any accomplishment for it--because finishing that merely means I can finally move on to the next. Every time I try to relax, there comes an overwhelming guilt that I'm not doing the work I should be doing, something that completely nullifies whatever comfort I thought I'd gain from resting.

I want this to stop. If this is what life will be from now till I die, why am I living it?

don't you let it go

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you


Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you


-Enchanted, Taylor Swift

desperate

Please don't change this.

For what it's worth, please don't change how things are going. I know this might be as close as I get to happiness. And I would settle for it.

It's beautiful; as long as it's this way, it's perfect. Please don't break the spell. Please don't change it. It doesn't matter if it can't be more. Don't make it less.

not again

Oh well. I am sick. Mild fever.

I frankly hope it's over by tomorrow. I need to finish editing my PI.

i should write a song about it.

So much happening. Too rapid a flurry, of frantic gestures and parting lights, and a cutting ream of paper in my arms. Five months passing as if they're one.

I should write a song about it. Every tear shed. Every sigh sighed. Every person met. Every person touched; now that's special.

--even a short song. I feel like my slow loss of connection with music and words, the closing of a gateway, is the reason things hurt so bad.

My heartbeat slows, and I wonder if I should turn the lights off now...

do i want to know?

I'm beginning to learn the answers to all the questions I had before. All the fears I had till yesterday, the worries based upon potentials. I've spent all this time thinking that they, the answers, will break me. But no, the answers tell me all: I am not supposed to know.

I've been fretting over things that haven't even become vaguely definite yet. I need to unwind, relax. Remember that my life and well-being isn't ruled by this one insecurity. The fact is, I don't know which way things are going to go. And no one can tell me for certain, which way they will.

I'll just have to wait, and hope I'm ready for both, for all, possibilities. I guess.

Most of all, I can't let this distract me from what is real and definite and important. What I have control over. What will stay for the rest of my life.

will you stay for the rest of my life?

end of hoping

But is this only the grip of mere fears and unconfirmed worries?

A coldness seizes and drowns my heart every time I see the way they talk. It is excruciating, and then it begins to numb me. I feel like I'm worrying about something I shouldn't care about. But what can I do but care?

Do I know the feeling of heartbreak? I do not know if this is it, but I think I do.

familiarity

I wonder if you can tell that I'm waiting for you to say something. I'd never be brave enough to.

Why does this feel so familiar?

It's like a loop. Here we go again. Back where we started. Da Capo.

curled edges of old manuscripts

Is it a bad thing?

I no longer dream of my stories. No more thoughts of flying on birds and falling through forests.

I'm dreaming of real people. Hard, concrete places. Walls.

I no longer find inspiration barrelling into me like a wall of wind and frost when I open the windows.

And the worst thing is, I don't need it anymore.

I don't make time. I'm not trying. Life is pulling me in, and I'm letting it.

My soul does not cry out against this loss.

And I suppose this is what returning to reality feels like.

It's not like losing your voice; it's more like slowly forgetting the lyrics.

a reprise/a long afterthought

(A little pretentious for me to be reposting this so often--but for those who don't know, I've done a rearrangement, because the previous version of the instrumental was completely unfelt, the music having been composed before I even decided it'd be a graduation song.)

I like this version better, personally. But is it too soft and too pessimistic?

Student: Oh, must this be?

Is this the end?

After this day, will I

Really leave these things behind?

Teacher: Don’t you cry!

Look at the sky, oh

Can’t you see it

Smiling down at you?

Student: No, I thought we would be forever!

Why must we end this way?

Teacher: But dearest child, you can’t look back

You’ve lived your whole life for this day…

CHORUS

Sometimes it’s painful I know

Watching these memories die

But till you learn to let go,

You’ll never know how to fly

Birds don’t forget how to sing

No matter how far they might stray

Don’t you know, there are some things

That time can’t take away

From you

(Instrumental interlude)

Child, you must know this nest is

Only a place to rest and

Learn, learn to be strong

Some day, when you have flown

This, I have always known

I’ll pray, you find a place you belong

Yes it’s

CHORUS

Painful I know

Watching these memories die

But wherever you go,

We’re under the same blue sky

You must go! You must leave this nest

Take flight, see the very best

Of life, seek out that echoing song!

Student: Am I ready, am I too weak?

Will I find this song I seek?

Somehow, I fear to lose my way

How can I let the wind whisk me away?

Teacher: Trust yourself

Student: You’ve taught me well

Teacher: Take the sky

Student: Trust your compass

Teacher: Oh, it’s

CHORUS

Painful I know

Watching these memories die

But till you learn to let go,

You’ll never know how to fly

Birds don’t forget how to sing

No matter how far they might stray

Don’t you know, there are some things

That time can’t take away

Student: I’ll learn to let go

These memories don’t have to die

‘Cause wherever I go

We’re under the same blue sky

You have taught me to sing—

And someday, I’ll find you that song!

Both: This is farewell, I suppose

But who said this is the end? So long…

barely hanging on

and my fingers still smell, faintly, like the onions we peeled and broke so we could play our fancy games.

School's good. I think I'll make it to the end alive and well.
It's what happens after that that I am unsure about.

I didn't want it to escalate to this. Somewhere along the line, I began to do everything wrong. I fear I have made the worst mistake of my life, and there's no way I'm going to turn things around, ever again.